Leeks in my brain

Every few days, for no apparent reason, I am compelled to go to my “Favorites” list and then I scroll down to “Loituma”.  

 I immediately enter a trance where life is beautiful .. all the time..and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they’re coming to take me AWAYYYYYYYYYY!!

I can be heard for hours afterwards singing (if it can be called that) this happy, happy tune!

Join me, won’t you. It’s a nice place. You’ll see….





woe is me…..

   screwme Well, the day arrived. I placed a claim with my home-owner’s insurance. The company I deal with is..well, it rhymes with StationWide. The name should be “Bend Over. This is Gonna Hurt!”  They sent an adjuster out this morning. His name was Richard but he looked like a Dick before the morning was through.dick1

   I got up early, put on coffee in case he wanted some, tidied the house, especially the areas I knew he would by looking at. I showered and fluffed. I smiled. I was pleasant. I figured that being nice to the man who will cut me a check for the damages is just smart business sense. 

    I now know why they call them “adjusters”. He surely adjusted the numbers! My contractor placed an estimate of the repairs at $6, 140.  That was to repair the damage and install cables on the roof to prevent  further damage.  According to the adjuster man, cables will not be covered. I showed him the stained, damp mattress and box spring which will most likely have to be replaced. That’s not covered. 

    After I showed him  all the water damage, he took pictures and measured the rooms with his manly tape measure (men do seem to love them some tape measures. I don’t know why!) then said he was going out to his truck to do the figures.

    Man-Oh-Man! They must have equipped that truck really well! He came in after a half an hour with about 6 pages of personalized printed pages explaining the company’s policies regarding payment and how they arrive at the numbers. He also had printed out a check…for $1,995.00. He couldn’t even f*cking round it up to $2000. ! I have a $1000. deductible so basically they shorted me around $5000. if you count the things that weren’t included in the contractor’s estimate, like carpet cleaning, new mattress/box spring, etc!

   When he gave me the check I’m sure I looked weird as I stood there with my mouth open , staring at the piece of paper. WTF?!?!

    In my life I’ve only ever made one other insurance claim on my home-owner’s policy and that was 24 years ago for the time lightning hit my home and blew out a few appliances!

   I wish now I’d had the balls to look him in the eye and say “F*ck you and your company, too! Do you sleep well at night ? Does this really seem fair to you, you miserable c*cksucker?”    I realize I could call and maybe have this thing drag out, trying to make a larger claim but I just don’t have the energy. They win.

    I hate to always be complaining but this has been a pretty sucky period for me financially. I just heard from the logger who was so eager to cut trees down on the property. He said there isn’t enough good timber to make it worth his time. So there goes another money-making opportunity down the drain. I was so looking forward to a nice fat check from him! Evidently there hasn’t been enough growth since the place was logged out 27 years ago!

   I am looking forward to eating lots more beans than meat in the near future if things continue the way they’ve been going. That’s all right. I hear a vegetarian diet is healthier anyway.

An “Evyl” Interview

 As is my daily habit, I was over at Evyl’s place the other day and I read an interview he had with the lovely Anja.  There is no other duo who can do justice to an interview like these two. They are brilliant and funny and bawdy and well, just get over there, if you haven’t already!

I was so impressed I immediately asked Evyl for an interview as well.  And then I began to get scared. What was I thinking??!  

He was kind…..sort of.

The rules for anyone else who wants to be interviewed:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (you don’t have to be interviewed if you want to comment)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Now for the interview:

 Evyl:     Meatloaf says that he would do anything for love but he won’t do that. Whatever that is. What would you not do for love?

Me:     I would not sacrifice my children or grandchildren.  In 1973 I was lost, broke, and confused and ended up placing my two sons up for adoption. I felt it was the best thing I could do for them. So I know what it feels like to lose someone so precious to you that you literally wish you were dead.

Evyl:      Andrew Zimmern took ill from a bad batch of stinky tofu and the producers have asked you to host an episode of ‘Bizarre Foods’. What do you eat to freak out the audience?

Me-:   Ahh, I watch that show! I always ask myself this very question! Hmmm, well, I do eat some weird stuff on a regular basis. Most people think it’s gross but I love cottage cheese and salsa- together! And I have been known to make a liverwurst and onion sandwich on toasted English muffin! Yum!

BUT the XXX-rated version of this question would read “What would you swallow?”   heehee

Evyl:    As a past Freak of the Week winner, the world wants to know. What is the freakiest thing that you have ever done?

Me:     A TWO-Time Winner!! Let us not forget that fact. I am damned proud of it!

The freakiest thing perhaps is that I went to school to learn how to artificially inseminate cattle.  I was the only woman in a class of twelve good ol’ farm boys and I am so short they had to get me a crate to stand on!  I graduated with honors and went on to impregnate many lovely bovine ladies. I am the baby daddy!

Evyl:       After a night spent drinking too much wine at a friends house, you wake up naked on the couch. You can’t remember a thing. Do you ask your friend what happened? If it’s male? If it’s female?

Me:     Oh, Gawd! YES! I want details! At my age the memory is shot to hell anyway! I live for the details! Male, female, animal, vegetable, whatever! Make stuff up if ya have to! It’s stuff like this I can look back on and grin about with a certain pride when I’m 105 and living in a nursing home. Think how popular I’ll be with all “the boys” there!

Evyl:      What one event that you have witnessed has left you with the biggest feeling of awe? And you can’t take the easy way out and say the birth of a child even if that’s true.

Me:      Standing at the top of Mount Marcy in the Adirondacks two years ago.  That’s the highest peak in the Adirondacks . Having been afraid of heights all my life this was a major accomplishment for me. The view was utterly amazing!  On that day I hiked over 15 miles and I have never felt so insignificant as I did when I finally reached the summit and looked out over the landscape.  It was a natural high!!

(And yes, the birth of my children superceded that by a mile!)

A Ray of Light Amidst the Horror

The wildfires that have ravaged so much of Australia this past week have been horrifying. Daily images of burned-to-the-ground towns and people devastated by loss are in the news daily. It is heartwrenching.  Today’s news held a much-needed ray of light.

I found this posted this morning:

According to News.com.au

Pictures of Sam, who turned out to be female, traveled around the globe and featured in major newspapers including The New York Times, London’s The Sun and on CNN.

The image provided a much-needed picture of hope in a week filled with news of despair.

Yesterday Sam was recovering in Mountain Ash Wildlife Shelter.

Carer Jenny Shaw said she suffered burns on her paws and was in a lot of pain, but was on the road to recovery.

She was put on an IV drip and is on antibiotics and pain relief treatment.

“She is lovely – very docile – and she has already got an admirer. A male koala keeps putting his arms around her,” Ms Shaw said. “She will need regular attention and it will be a long road to recovery, but she should be able to be released back into the wild in about five months.”

Mr Tree said he was surprised by the reaction to the photograph, which was snapped by Mark Pardew – a fellow CFA volunteer – on a mobile phone.

Mr Tree said he was in the middle of backburning at Mirboo North when he saw the stricken koala.

“I could see she had sore feet and was in trouble, so I pulled over the fire truck. She just plonked herself down, as if to say ‘I’m beat’,” he said.

“I offered her a drink and she drank three bottles.

“The most amazing part was when she grabbed my hand. I will never forget that.”

Mr Tree and his brigade then received an emergency call-out to save a house, but minutes later Sam was picked up by wildlife carers.

She is one of 22 koalas, 14 ringtail possums, several wallabies and eastern grey kangaroos that have been handed into Gippsland carers.

Terrible Tuesday

alexander2I have been following the story from Australia about the wildfires  that have currently taken the lives of over 180 people and left thousands homeless.  It breaks my heart and I cry. I watch as, everyday, thousands here in America are losing their jobs or facing pay-cuts.  I see a government floundering to figure out how to make the financial crisis go away and I have little hope.

So with all of the nastiness in the world, how dare I say what I’m about say? But in someways it does tie into the current economic problems in the U.S.

Last year I hashed out a financial settlement with my ex that seemed almost fair. We “valued” our assets and divided things with him buying me out of his business and some of our other holdings. I got a cash settlement that I felt I could work with to give me a solid ,if frugal,  retirement as long as  I could work part-time and count my pennies.  Then the market went tits up.

My investments lost over 35 % of their market value.

My house needed major work, expensive repairs I had to cover out-of-pocket. My old car needed repairs. The cost of everything went up, especially fuel. I felt like I was writing checks, big ones, everyday to make the problems go away. I saw my savings dwindling rapidly.

Today I went upstairs to vacuum the carpets. As I opened the door to the spare bedroom ,which I keep closed off to cut down on heating costs, I smelled a foul odor. It quickly became apparent where the stench was coming from. I looked up and saw that the ceiling fan and light fixture were filled with water.p2110555

 The ceiling is stained with moisture. The seams at the wall are wet and opening. The bed is soaked, all the way through the mattress and box spring and there is water laying on top of the plastic storage containers I keep UNDER the bed! Everything  is soaked. It reeks of mildew. I immediately stripped the bed and turned the mattress up on end to air out but I think it’s probably too far gone.p2110553


p2110558 Evidently while I was up in Rochester last week there was a heavy rain, then freezing temperatures, then snow, then more melting and freezing and the ice dams built up forcing the water on the roof to seek a way out. It went under the shingles and into the room via the ceiling.  I didn’t even look in there when I got back four days ago. I didn’t know what was on the other side of that door.

 While I was waiting for my repairman to return my call, I watched the President’s speech and his “people” spoke about the economic recovery plan. On the CNN site they ran a stock ticker. I watched the NASDAQ and the DOW drop even as they spoke. I watched my dollars pissing in the wind.

It is not a great day today. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything right with the world. Don’t we all? My little troubles don’t matter a hill of beans in the big picture. I’ll be fine. Tomorrow will be better for me. I will put things better into perspective. I have a home. Not everyone can say that.

But just for today I’m bummed.

An Award I Am Proud to Own

There is someone who blogs quite frequently who makes me feel insignificant. She goes by the name of Anja, and her rants are so brilliant and visceral, so straight from the heart and the gut that I feel like a rank amateur in this blogging world. She just nominated me (and several more deserving bloggers) for this award.


So many times I sit down at my computer and try to get down in words the things that are real and personal and meaningful but I am restrained from being completely honest for several reasons, not the least of which are the fact that at least two of my children read my blog posts.

I vowed from the beginning that that would not constrain me from writing the words I needed to write but the truth is, I am held in check by the fact that they , and perhaps my sweet lover, D’Bear may read my words.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

I don’t feel “Lovely” most of the time. In fact, I never really feel “ Lovely“.

My whole life has been spent trying to prove that “ Lovely” me does not exist.

I’m so afraid that if they find out how unlovely I am they will despise me.

My whole life has been spent trying to feel worthy of love.

OMG, How corny and pathetic does THAT sound?

When I was a a young girl in high school, back in 1969, I was told that I was “brilliant” and ” gifted”.

I was placed in “Advanced Placement” classes. I was told over and over that I was given the gift of intelligence and that I could be anything I wanted to be. What a crock.

I got pregnant at 15-years -old by the first boy who told me he loved me.

All those years of study and the A+ report cards meant nothing. I was a victim of my biology and my lust and my need to feel loved.

The real victims were the sons I gave birth to in 1970 and 1973. My daughters have dealt with the guilt I have lived with.

I can never make reparations for the suffering I caused. For that I will always feel pain. I hope they know that.

I listen to music that scores the longing I feel. Ludovico Einaudi’s “Una Mattina” shows some of the pain and longing I feel. That’s why I listen to his music. It is who I am.

It is how I feel.

Thank you, Anja. You help me know myself.

I hope others understand that my nomination is sincere when I  place their names here for this award: And the rules say:

The requirements for this award are:

Copy and save the award logo then …
1. Add the logo to your blog.
2. Link to the person from whom you received this award.
3. Nominate 7 or more blogs.
4. Leave a message on their blog, letting them know they are “One Lovely Blog”!

2 Lazy Dogs (Gawd, she’s so GOOD!)

c. (  my poetess)

Allison( So REAL)

Birdpress ( Baby Girl)

Spidey ( The sweetest male blogger I know)

JavaQueen ( My long lost sister)

Gadfly ( Daddy Dom)

I love you all.