another list of “things I’m grateful for”

  1. Antibiotics…my throat has hurt for three days and I am blessed to have a doctor who believes me when I tell him I need them!
  2. Hot apple cider with rum! Good in the morning, afternoon AND at night!
  3. Fleece pajamas- the ONLY way to get comfy on a rainy and cold afternoon.
  4. Cuddling with my honey in the morning under the covers. Wrapping yourself in each other’s arms and legs and nuzzling is the sweetest feeling in the world.
  5. Hulu.com– Ever since my Satellite dish was disconnected I am grateful to watch my favorite shows here!
  6. My trusty 2000 Subaru Forester… 100,000 miles and going strong! Not cool but damn, Suzi Subaru is the best car I ever owned!
  7. My Visa card (the bastard LOVES me, too!)
  8. Bacon- Thank you, pigs!
  9. A daughter who “gets” me.
  10. Used books stores.. Thank you to Rick’s and Houghton Book Store! You let me be able to afford to have books always in reserve. That comforts me SOOO much!
  11. Potatoes–mashed, fried, scalloped, latkes, boiled, gratineed, salad, baked, hash browned, and…drum roll, please…CHIPS!
  12. Warm, enthusiastic, smoochy, clingy, happy hugs from my grandson  Cole EVERY time I come to see him!
  13. Gummy, sweet, and beaming smiles from my 6-month-old grandson Ryan. Oh, and the wonderful way he smells right there on that special spot at the top of his widdle head!
  14. On-line shopping. Better than dealing with the insanity of malls and big box stores.. ANY TIME.
  15. My hair colorist. Jodi, you perform a miracle every 5 weeks!
  16. Sharp cutlery.
  17. Mascara. Black. Always black. Maybelline. Cheap and wonderful!
  18. Orgasms!   Well DUH!
  19. My blogger friends and my Facebook buddies. You know who you are and I love you all!
  20. My darling, handsome, and loving boyfriend, D’Bear.  He’s my best friend and the best playmate a girl could ever ask for.

This is only a partial list of some of the many, many things I am blessed with.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!

 

Dobeman has a BIRTHDAY

birth When he was born,in 1973, I was in an Army hospital in a now-closed Army base. I was pretty sick. I had pre-eclampsia and my blood pressure was creeping up hourly. The doctors decided to induce labor.

I insisted I did NOT want anesthesia. I wanted my baby born free of any chemicals, alert and and as healthy as I could make him. They patted me on the head and told me, in the nicest *cough* Army way, that they would do what they felt best. Can you say patronizing?

 Then they had a sadistic ,woman-hatingnurse come and shave my entire pubal region with a cold basin of water and a rusty razor. After that I got a lovely enema and was told to “void when you feel you really need to”.

It was fun, let me tell you. Nine months pregnant, guts filled with soapy water, in labor and all alone. I had just turned 19 years-old.

 Lying in that sterile labor room by myself, no radio, no TV, no one to hold my hand through the contractions, I decided to be proactive for what was probably the first time in my life. For my baby. I began to push a little with each hard contraction and left alone for most of the next two hours I was not told I couldn’t or shouldn’t.

 The next time the nurse came to check me I told her I thought the baby was coming. “Oh, don’t be silly. You have a long way to go yet” she said in her most condescending voice. Then she checked my status and her mouth fell open. “Oh, my God! ” and she ran to get another nurse to help wheel me to the delivery room.

I gave birth to “Dobeman” on the labor room bed.

He was a healthy and beautiful baby. Do I hear a TA -DAAAA!!!

He’s still beautiful and with the exception of having some back problems and some wicked sinus issues he’s still healthy.

He’s the father of two of his own beautiful boys and he and his wife are pregnant with my new grandchild who is due in August.

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my son. I love you. You are the best Mother’s Day gift in the world.

Waiting for the Baby

My oldest daughter is pregnant and due to have her son on May 19th. I am a nervous wreck.

I can barely even think about it without freaking out.

This is her second child. The oldest, my darling, precocious grandson, C. , is almost three-years-old.  He and this baby may actually share a birthday since C.’s birthday is on May 11.

When my daughter was nearing her due date with C. she asked me if I would be in the birthing room with her during delivery. Having had four children, three of whom I delivered without anesthesia, I was thrilled and honored to help with the coaching and to be present when my grandson was born. She had a birthing room at the local hospital and had had the regular “tour” of the facilities earlier in her pregnancy.  Everything was going fairly normally when her labor started.  Things just weren’t going as quickly as the midwife would have liked so with the doctor’s approval she gave my daughter a drip of oxytocin to help the contractions be stronger and more productive. . It got a little too intense for her at one point so my daughter requested an epidural.   It was given and she felt a great deal of relief.

After many hours ( it seemed) of  contractions and finally instructions to “push”  the baby was born!! What a beautiful little boy!

And then the nightmare began.  She started to bleed….and bleed…and bleed.  There was a fibrous tumor near the birth canal inside the uterine wall. The uterus was unable to contract properly due to the size and location of the fibroid. She was given several pints of blood and frantically the doctor worked to staunch the bleeding. It took hours! I stood helplessly watching the blood flow out of my beautiful daughter, fearing it would never stop! I cry just typing these words!

She survived thanks to the professional care given to her by her medical professionals. The doctor cautioned her that any subsequent pregnancies could kill her unless the issue of that fibroid tumor was resolved.  She waited two years and her longing for another child grew great. She consulted with her OB/GYN and they did a surgical procedure to remove the offending tumor last fall.  When the surgeon went in he couldn’t find the tumor and refused to cut her up simply in order to locate it! So nothing was done except that she now had to recover from invasive surgery. According to the surgeon,  hormones cause the tumor to grow during pregnancy. When she wasn’t pregnant it had shrunk to such a small size that it wasn’t visible to the surgeon.

Pregnancy has caused the tumor to grow large again.

I don’t think I can be in that room and go through that again knowing that she could bleed to death in front of me. My heart says that if (God forbid) something does go terribly wrong I will always regret that I wasn’t there to hold her tight and give her all the love this mother has for her daughter.

I am so afraid. I don’t have the kind of strong religious faith that would help get me through with grace and acceptance. If anything should happen to her I will rail against God the same way I did when I was a child and I prayed in vain for the end of suffering at the hands of my parents.

So while I am anticipating the arrival of another blessing in the form of a fourth grandson, I also fear the whole idea. Pray for my daughter. Please.

it’s a mad, mad world

honest_crap_

Both Javajunkee and JavaQueen honored their blogrollees with this award. Thank you , ladies {{snicker!! ladies!}}  for including me on your esteemed blogrolls!

The deal is I have to tell 10 HONEST THINGS about myself! Oh, Mother McCree! This is tougher than it looks!

1.     I came in Second Place in our school district’s spelling bee when I was a fifth-grader. I won a U.S.Savings Bond worth $25! That was the most money I had ever had IN MY LIFE at that time!  I still am a pretty good speller but not such a great typist.  I never took typing in school so my technique is a little weird ..but effective!

2.   I paint my fingernails and then peel the paint off with my teeth. It’ s so gross but I can’t help it. Manicures that I pay for sometimes last a little longer.  I can usually hold out for a few days because I don’t like wasting the money. But if I do it myself I don’t last a day before  my nails look like I got my hand stuck in a blender!

3.    I HATE HATE HATE being tickled! I would prefer someone slap me than tickle me. That’s how much I HATE it!

4.    I fell off a horse at a full gallop when I was pregnant with Birdpress. Ironically she’s the only one of my children who loves horses and horseback riding! (She’s good, too!!)

5.    My first new car was a baby-blue 1970 Opel Cadette hatchback. I loved that car!

6.    I have never had a cavity in any of my teeth  and I have never broken a bone.

7.    I killed my oldest daughter’s guinea pig on her 9th birthday. I didn’t mean to do it! I put it outside in its cage to enjoy grazing in the grass and forgot that the shade didn’t stay in one place but moved with the sun. The poor little thing died from heatstroke. I felt like a murderer! It was awful!

8.   I snore like a chainsaw sounds. Since I was a wee little girl with adenoid problems I have snored so loudly that no one wants to sleep in the same room with me….unless they snore loudly, too, then for some reason we cancel each other out. I understand that there is a phenomenon whereby if you placed two speakers facing one another and played the same  sound on them both at the exact same decibel level you would hear nothing but silence. That’s what it’s like with snoring, I think!

9.    Many  years ago I was commissioned to make a papier mache sculpture of Pierce Bush, the nephew of G.W. and the son of Neil and Sharon Bush. The kid had done some professional modeling  and was cute as a button! We had a mutual friend who hooked me up after seeing some of my larger  sculptures.At the time of the commission Pierce was about 6  years-old.  I spoke with Sharon Bush several times and she even sent me family photos of him for me to work with. The deal went sour however when the election came up and Papa Bush had them traveling around the country campaigning for him, unsuccessfully.  She put the project on hold and I was never paid for the work I had already done on the sculpture.  I recently saw a video clip of the now 19 year-old Pierce. OMG!  What a douchebag.

10.    And FINALLY …this next video is an example of a skill I think would be extremely useful. I’m not sure why… but still.. I would be more confident in myself as a woman if I had her talent.

Now anyone who wants to do this meme.. take it with my blessing.

randomness, mental debris, physical exhaustion

 I know, I KNOW! I haven’t posted anything in a week! I am mentally sans muse!     This is the most random bunch of shite I have ever considered posting but hey. …You’re here. You might as well continue reading the post, eh?

  1. Someone pinged me from a Swedish language site and I think I know who she is but regardless I am learning how to use Google Translator and I commented on her post, too, because that’s the kinda gal I am!  How cool is it that someone in Sweden reads my blog!
  2. My amazing, handsome, and brilliant son, Dobeman, made some very nice remarks after spending a long weekend here with his bio-mom. BUT I think I have to do some upgrading on my interior decor. I was already considering a new sofa and a new dining room ensemble but now it is a priority! Have you ever entered the home of someone who has lived in their home for 20 years or more and right away you know the the year the moved in, because nothing has really changed? It’s not retro! It’s just freakin’ old!  If I have to eat Skippy Creamy  PB (’cause meat is so damned expensive!) then so be it! I will have moved into the year 2009 rather than living in 19-frickin’-81 which is what my home screams when you see the decor!
  3. My oldest daughter is 7-months pregnant and being quite nasty to her family. She tries, God knows, but she may just drive us all ’round the bend by the time this little boy is born.
  4. bearcold4Man Colds are deadly and insufferably bad! Ask D’Bear! His is worse than anything I have ever suffered through. They always are. 🙂 To his credit he was absolutely amazing this past weekend. He came all the way down to my house after work on Friday, a drive of over three hours to spend some time with my family and me. He had never met my son, Dobeman, and I was dying for them toget to know each other. I see so many similarities between them.  Both work in the computer field, (tech writer, marketing, PR, for Dobeman..software engineering for D’Bear), both are Conservatives, both are cautious and frugal with their money, both have a wicked sense of humor and a love of wine and music and literature.  Unfortunately poor Dobeman came down with a bad sinus infection and a head cold just before his trip here and THEN D’Bear comes down with his nasty bug as soon as he gets home on Monday!
  5. What the HELL is going on with the male bloggers here on WordPress??? Both my darling bad-boy Evyl and my sweet-but-nasty Spidey have been noticeably absent of late. I am a little concerned about that!
  6. I have to have another colonoscopy. Yeah, I know…TMI! But seriously! Two years ago I had a couple of nasty, pre-cancerous polyps removed so I have to do this scope-up-the-ass thing every two years!  The only good thing about it that after 24 hours of fasting and laxatives, I lose between 6-8 pounds and I feel PRETTY !! (Of course I am light-headed and starving but other than that… mah-velous!)
  7. steak_bjIf you missed Saturday’s amazing Holiday then make it a point to write down the date for next year. March 14th is the MAN VALENTINE’S DAY! Yes, you heard me. It was Steak & a Blow Job Day. HA!! D’Bear got two steaks this past weekend but with so much family in the house, he will have to take a rain-check on the rest of the Holiday’s promise!! HAHAHA!!! I hope your man got his!!
  8. Spring is on its way! YAY!!! I went outside without a heavy jacket today and I did not die of frostbite and hypothermia!!!!!! Soon here in Northeast PA we’ll be hearing this:
  9.  .  I’m making Beef Curry, Basmati Rice, Cucumber Lime Salad, and … I’m lost as to what else to feature on the menu for our Saturday dinner with the NY neighbors.  There are three couples, one on each side of the lovely D’Bear and then of course, us. All last summer we spent hours and hours on each others’ porches in the evenings, drinking wine, and sharing good food that we all contributed to the cause. When the cold of winter forced us inside we decided to start a sort of Supper Club. One  of us hosts a dinner each month.  This month is our turn and since I’ve served this recipe for Beef Curry several times to accolades I feel it will go over equally well with this group.ly I’ll have condiments like chopped peanuts, raisins or currants, shredded coconut, etc. but I am at a loss as to what else to make to round out the menu. I need one more thing as a side and a dessert. Any ideas?
  10. Yesterday I watched the Martha Stewart Show and guess what!! She’s getting fat!  She had Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives on and Martha looked HUGE next to her!  Yes, Ms. Martha of the “I am a former model and I am so much richer than you!” fame. Yep, she and Oprah have packed on some poundage! If Oprah tries to tell me ONE MORE TIME how to lose weight I’m gonna take a gun to my TV!  How can she preach to millions of women (and she does!) and not see the irony?       OK, that sounds mean , but Boo-fucking-Hoo.

 OK, that’s today’s scintillating post, y’all. Thanks for making it to the bottom of the page. Comments are not only welcome but incredibly appreciated!! 

An Award I Am Proud to Own

There is someone who blogs quite frequently who makes me feel insignificant. She goes by the name of Anja, and her rants are so brilliant and visceral, so straight from the heart and the gut that I feel like a rank amateur in this blogging world. She just nominated me (and several more deserving bloggers) for this award.

lovely-blog-award

So many times I sit down at my computer and try to get down in words the things that are real and personal and meaningful but I am restrained from being completely honest for several reasons, not the least of which are the fact that at least two of my children read my blog posts.

I vowed from the beginning that that would not constrain me from writing the words I needed to write but the truth is, I am held in check by the fact that they , and perhaps my sweet lover, D’Bear may read my words.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

I don’t feel “Lovely” most of the time. In fact, I never really feel “ Lovely“.

My whole life has been spent trying to prove that “ Lovely” me does not exist.

I’m so afraid that if they find out how unlovely I am they will despise me.

My whole life has been spent trying to feel worthy of love.

OMG, How corny and pathetic does THAT sound?

When I was a a young girl in high school, back in 1969, I was told that I was “brilliant” and ” gifted”.

I was placed in “Advanced Placement” classes. I was told over and over that I was given the gift of intelligence and that I could be anything I wanted to be. What a crock.

I got pregnant at 15-years -old by the first boy who told me he loved me.

All those years of study and the A+ report cards meant nothing. I was a victim of my biology and my lust and my need to feel loved.

The real victims were the sons I gave birth to in 1970 and 1973. My daughters have dealt with the guilt I have lived with.

I can never make reparations for the suffering I caused. For that I will always feel pain. I hope they know that.

I listen to music that scores the longing I feel. Ludovico Einaudi’s “Una Mattina” shows some of the pain and longing I feel. That’s why I listen to his music. It is who I am.

It is how I feel.

Thank you, Anja. You help me know myself.

I hope others understand that my nomination is sincere when I  place their names here for this award: And the rules say:

The requirements for this award are:

Copy and save the award logo then …
1. Add the logo to your blog.
2. Link to the person from whom you received this award.
3. Nominate 7 or more blogs.
4. Leave a message on their blog, letting them know they are “One Lovely Blog”!

2 Lazy Dogs (Gawd, she’s so GOOD!)

c. (  my poetess)

Allison( So REAL)

Birdpress ( Baby Girl)

Spidey ( The sweetest male blogger I know)

JavaQueen ( My long lost sister)

Gadfly ( Daddy Dom)

I love you all.

Diet Update

Three weeks into my diet and …may I have a drum roll, please……I’ve lost 12 pounds!!!  TA DA!!!

My clothes actually have become comfortable! My jeans do not make me cry when I sit down in them! I have learned to LOVE green salads, EggBeaters, poached chicken and bananas.

Yes, I eat bananas every day now since reading about the Japanese Banana Diet . I don’t follow the rules to it though because I MUST have my coffee in the morning. It simply feeds me enough that I don’t crave other foods throughout the day. Go figure!

 I just thought I would let you know I haven’t fallen off the diet wagon…yet. And Birdpress , my little chickadee, is just full of helpful dieting tips. She’s really more about eating healthy but she keeps those calories in check imaginatively , too! Unfortunately she inherited my tendency towards plumpness but she is amazingly disciplined and conscientious about keeping herself fit and looking bee-you-tee-full!

 She suggested some good eating to me just this morning. She suggests I get Boca “Bruschetta” burgers and eat them on sprouted grain bread. Ooo, that sounds really yummy!          Seriously!!             Stop laughing!   I mean it!!hungry

Giving Thanks

gratitude

 

Things I am grateful for:


  1. My beautiful, intelligent children, all of whom make me so proud to be a mom.
  2. My D’Bear. He IS the love of my life. Who knew I would find that so late in life? I am unbearably awed by it!
  3. Trees. I love trees!
  4. Grandchildren! Three grandsons and one (unknown gender) on the way!!
  5. Fuzzy slippers
  6. My home. I could so easily have walked away from it in the divorce settlement but I didn’t and now I’m glad I held out.
  7. Friends. They are like the blood in my veins. I could never have survived in this world without them.
  8. Starry nights in Pennsylvania. They’re glorious!
  9. Books and the people who write them. Thank you, Authors! You helped me escape many a horror in my life. I am eternally grateful.
  10. My Subaru. 92,000 miles and zipping me along the highways with ease. I love her!
  11. Coffee. Was there ever a time when I didn’t reach for it first thing in the morning? Ahhh, that first hot sip of nectar!..
  12. My country. I wonder how I got so lucky as to have been born when I was into a country that tries so hard to be the kind of place where people can be enjoy freedom and democracy..
  13. Birds. They make me happy.
  14. My body. So far, so good. I am healthy and have the use and function of all my parts. For that I am grateful! (Some parts better than others, but hey..{shrug})
  15. Hot showers!
  16. Ibuprofen
  17. Wine, that glorious concoction that is food and drink all rolled into one.
  18. Buttered toast
  19. Down comforters
  20. Ludovico Einaudi  and his beautiful music.
  21. The Internet. How would I have met all these amazing people without it? I still am amazed that I can know incredible people all over the world and never leave home.  There is so much beauty, talent, creativity, and caring out there in the voices of my dear Internet friends. Hey, it’s how I met my D’Bear!
  22. Fleece
  23. Kitties, puppies, bunnies, all the widdle baby animals. I have an antidote for the Blues: find a litter of puppies and sit on the floor with them for fifteen minutes. It takes all your cares away to be pawed, licked, snuggled, and sniffed by several warm, sweet pups! Guaranteed!
  24. Clean water
  25. Good food. Gawd! I love to eat! And luckily I am a fair cook!
  26. Bread. It deserves its own category! I could happily live on nothing but good bread ( well, with some butter or olive oil thrown in for good measure.)
  27. My new-found sense of “c’est la vie”. I am learning to let go…..to go with the flow…to sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s so refreshing! I always tried to control everything until recently when I finally realized I couldn’t!
  28. Free time, daydreaming, doing nothing’! I just learned how to do it! Not well, but I’m working on it and I like it! This kinda ties in with number 27.
  29. The teachers who drilled me till I learned to count and multiply and divide until I could do it in my head. Bless them.
  30. My faith that there is more to life than what I see and feel here on this earth and that one day my eyes will see beyond all this to the very heart of everything.

 

Happy Thanksgiving Day to all of you and may your blessings be many!