suck sucky suck suck

cheap-fun-wineYeah, I’m pissed. And depressed.

I’m 55 years-old, smart, reasonably attractive, and fairly well-liked! I dress well, speak well, and I have SKILZ, baby!

If I were younger I would consider making an offer to sleep my way into a job.  I’d also take pictures and blackmail their asses but still….money is money.

On Friday, three days ago my daughter called me from work to tell me that one of her patients mentioned that a job had just opened for a Marketing Director at a nearby assisted living facility. She suggested that I would be ideal for the job and since I had “insider” information I might be able to beat the crowds looking for work there. It was too late to get my resume out to them by that time so first thing this morning, Monday, I called them to ask for an appointment and was told the position had already been filled.  WTF?

So I have decided that if I live frugally enough I may be able to make it through till I sell this place, collect Social Security (HA!), and maybe have something left over in my annuity to keep me from having to ask my kids to let me live with them.

So here are some ideas I have to save money:

I plan to unplug my clocks while I sleep. 

I will only eat whatever is on sale, and I will only buy what I know I will consume. In the past I have been rather wasteful. I have been known to buy items and then they sat in the freezer or produce bins until they were no longer edible. This spring I tossed some freezer burned edemame, chicken livers, a roast of dubious origins, several bags of Tater Tots , and a 4 lb. chunk of frozen Velveeta over the bank in the back field.  NO MORE! I also intend to start that diet. I think I can probably hibernate on these extra 20  40 lbs. I carry.

Two-ply toilet paper and paper towels? No more. Any remaining two-ply items will summarily be separated into single-ply and used thusly. By reducing my food intake (see above)  I will dramatically cut down on my own “solid-wastes” anyway!

I will get used to wearing a winter coat while in my house. My down comforter will substitute at night. Thermostats will be kept at 55 degrees.  I apologize to anyone visiting me but be forewarned to dress appropriately when coming by.

Coupons. I hate ’em. I will now use them.

Consignment clothing is chic, no? I may look retro-fashionable from now on (otherwise known as “the bag lady look”).

dress made from ramen noodles packages

dress made from ramen noodles packages

Mineral make-up is expensive but I love it. BareMinerals is my cosmetic of choice but perhaps some good old Pennsylvania dirt would work as well. It is, after all, mostly minerals! And it will work so well with the retro fashions I intend to adopt! Perhaps if I sterilize it in the microwave first…..

Siphoning gas from my ex’s vehicles will save me on gasoline bills for my car. Hey! Who asked him to build a house right across from me anyway?

If anyone would like to contribute suggestions on ways that I can save more money please comment and I will take them under consideration. If anyone would like to donate to my retirement fund…. I will adopt you. I could use the tax write-off of a dependent.

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you MUST read this!!!

fat
As someone who has battled with the same 30 friggin’ pounds my whole adult life, I consider myself to be a professional dieter. BUT I read this post by Flurrious today and I realized that I have met my match if not my superior.
PLEASE go HERE and read the funniest thing you’ve ever read about dieting in your life!!!

da buddies

arrivalPoor Philip…. As soon as I opened the boxes the two monkeys were smoochin’ on the table! 

“Hellll-OOoooOO!!! HmmH!! ExCUSE me, Boo, Bev! Could ya unlock them lips for just a second? I’d like to say hello!”

They weren’t even embarrassed!

p4090065

After our introductions the monkeys calmed down and sat quietly scratching themselves very discretely.

To help make Philip a little less lonely I took him onto the sunroom and let him meet all the resident birds. They all came over to Philip and crowded round to get a closer look. After much cooing and ahhing, I noticed one of my birdies making eyes at Philip!p4090067

She and Philip seemed to get along quite well! He even let her wear his cowboy hat! It was darling!p4090068

 The monkeys were getting restless so I left little Bluebird and Philip to get to know one another a little better. I started up the hot tub for those simians and BOY did they like that!lovers

I am pretty sure there was some monkey business going on below the water line!after

I swear I don’t know where Boo got that ciggie!!p4090079

Philip meanwhile went outside with me to meet the Yardbirds!p4090077

Ride ’em. CowBird!!!p4090082

Philip meets Bob #1!  Bob likes Philip!! p4090084

Boo and Bev meet Happy the-Anatomically -Correct Dog! He gave them  a bouncy ride! While they were having a grand old time I made the mistake of moving back to take their picture when I felt a “crunch”! OH, NO! I stepped on Philip’s Texas cowboy hat!!!  I felt terrible!

I remembered that there was a little black hat in the closet, left behind by some previous guest and when I presented it to Philip he put it on and OMG, he looked like the cutest little pimped-out Flamingo!

I took them all back up to the house for dinner ( bananas and assorted fruit for the monkeys, grains and seeds for Philip, hummus and whole wheat pita for me!) Philip asked to use the computer so I gladly left him to it while I kept a close eye on the lovemonkeys. When we didn’t hear from Philip after a while we all went up to check on him and here is what we found!

hot-flamingo

Yep! Flamingo porn!!! I took him away from the computer but after his talking to I came back to find the monkeys having an on line live-cam chat with someone named Spank the Monkey! p4090091

HaHAHAHAAA!!!! We all got a good laugh outa that one!!!p4090097

Good bye, my sweet Buddies!! You’ve managed to keep this crazy woman company for a day…and what a day it was!! Ciao, Buddies!! I’m glad I got to know ya!

Philip is headed to Illinois to Anne and the little Bev and Boo are headed of to play at Starla’s house ! Have fun, Ladies!!!

Finally! Buddies are here!!

After ten days in Rochester with my honey I have finally returned home to PA.  On Saturday we had temperatures in the 60s there and enjoyed sitting on the front porch in the sunshine for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Today’s ride home was another matter entirely!  I hit misty rain for most of the 3 1/2 hour drive but when I got nearer to home I found I had just missed a pretty big snow squall. Passing a couple of horses out in their pasture gave me proof. They still had snow on their backs!

   I had three buddies waiting for me when I got home! I hate coming home to an empty house so this was the BEST!

 Sometimes the buddies go to their host’s homes one at a time but since I am away a great deal of the time they tend to clump up. That’s kinda fun for all of us!!p3310655

Douglas used his special Dragon skills to light a few candles in the house to warm the rooms. He liked showing off for the others, I think. They were appropriately impressed!! So was I!

SuperPickle wandered into the kitchen and OMG, before I could warn him he saw it!!p3310657 He held on to that jar of Zesty Pickles and tried to get them out but I had to gently tell him they aren’t like him, all super and everything. They can’t fly. They can’t play. They have to stay in the brine or they go bad. He was sad but after a decent amount of grieving, I was able to get him back on track and then all was fine. {smack self on head! } I am so sorry I didn’t think to get those zesty dills out of the house so as not to upset him!

p3310658

Meanwhile Bongo, (that cutey!) just jumped around from the pot rack in the kitchen to the palm tree in the sun room, happy as a good monkey should be!!

The three of them will accompany me for a little adventure tomorrow. Stay tuned for all the fun!!

it’s a mad, mad world

honest_crap_

Both Javajunkee and JavaQueen honored their blogrollees with this award. Thank you , ladies {{snicker!! ladies!}}  for including me on your esteemed blogrolls!

The deal is I have to tell 10 HONEST THINGS about myself! Oh, Mother McCree! This is tougher than it looks!

1.     I came in Second Place in our school district’s spelling bee when I was a fifth-grader. I won a U.S.Savings Bond worth $25! That was the most money I had ever had IN MY LIFE at that time!  I still am a pretty good speller but not such a great typist.  I never took typing in school so my technique is a little weird ..but effective!

2.   I paint my fingernails and then peel the paint off with my teeth. It’ s so gross but I can’t help it. Manicures that I pay for sometimes last a little longer.  I can usually hold out for a few days because I don’t like wasting the money. But if I do it myself I don’t last a day before  my nails look like I got my hand stuck in a blender!

3.    I HATE HATE HATE being tickled! I would prefer someone slap me than tickle me. That’s how much I HATE it!

4.    I fell off a horse at a full gallop when I was pregnant with Birdpress. Ironically she’s the only one of my children who loves horses and horseback riding! (She’s good, too!!)

5.    My first new car was a baby-blue 1970 Opel Cadette hatchback. I loved that car!

6.    I have never had a cavity in any of my teeth  and I have never broken a bone.

7.    I killed my oldest daughter’s guinea pig on her 9th birthday. I didn’t mean to do it! I put it outside in its cage to enjoy grazing in the grass and forgot that the shade didn’t stay in one place but moved with the sun. The poor little thing died from heatstroke. I felt like a murderer! It was awful!

8.   I snore like a chainsaw sounds. Since I was a wee little girl with adenoid problems I have snored so loudly that no one wants to sleep in the same room with me….unless they snore loudly, too, then for some reason we cancel each other out. I understand that there is a phenomenon whereby if you placed two speakers facing one another and played the same  sound on them both at the exact same decibel level you would hear nothing but silence. That’s what it’s like with snoring, I think!

9.    Many  years ago I was commissioned to make a papier mache sculpture of Pierce Bush, the nephew of G.W. and the son of Neil and Sharon Bush. The kid had done some professional modeling  and was cute as a button! We had a mutual friend who hooked me up after seeing some of my larger  sculptures.At the time of the commission Pierce was about 6  years-old.  I spoke with Sharon Bush several times and she even sent me family photos of him for me to work with. The deal went sour however when the election came up and Papa Bush had them traveling around the country campaigning for him, unsuccessfully.  She put the project on hold and I was never paid for the work I had already done on the sculpture.  I recently saw a video clip of the now 19 year-old Pierce. OMG!  What a douchebag.

10.    And FINALLY …this next video is an example of a skill I think would be extremely useful. I’m not sure why… but still.. I would be more confident in myself as a woman if I had her talent.

Now anyone who wants to do this meme.. take it with my blessing.

An “Evyl” Interview

 As is my daily habit, I was over at Evyl’s place the other day and I read an interview he had with the lovely Anja.  There is no other duo who can do justice to an interview like these two. They are brilliant and funny and bawdy and well, just get over there, if you haven’t already!

I was so impressed I immediately asked Evyl for an interview as well.  And then I began to get scared. What was I thinking??!  

He was kind…..sort of.

The rules for anyone else who wants to be interviewed:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (you don’t have to be interviewed if you want to comment)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Now for the interview:

 Evyl:     Meatloaf says that he would do anything for love but he won’t do that. Whatever that is. What would you not do for love?

Me:     I would not sacrifice my children or grandchildren.  In 1973 I was lost, broke, and confused and ended up placing my two sons up for adoption. I felt it was the best thing I could do for them. So I know what it feels like to lose someone so precious to you that you literally wish you were dead.

Evyl:      Andrew Zimmern took ill from a bad batch of stinky tofu and the producers have asked you to host an episode of ‘Bizarre Foods’. What do you eat to freak out the audience?

Me-:   Ahh, I watch that show! I always ask myself this very question! Hmmm, well, I do eat some weird stuff on a regular basis. Most people think it’s gross but I love cottage cheese and salsa- together! And I have been known to make a liverwurst and onion sandwich on toasted English muffin! Yum!

BUT the XXX-rated version of this question would read “What would you swallow?”   heehee

Evyl:    As a past Freak of the Week winner, the world wants to know. What is the freakiest thing that you have ever done?

Me:     A TWO-Time Winner!! Let us not forget that fact. I am damned proud of it!

The freakiest thing perhaps is that I went to school to learn how to artificially inseminate cattle.  I was the only woman in a class of twelve good ol’ farm boys and I am so short they had to get me a crate to stand on!  I graduated with honors and went on to impregnate many lovely bovine ladies. I am the baby daddy!

Evyl:       After a night spent drinking too much wine at a friends house, you wake up naked on the couch. You can’t remember a thing. Do you ask your friend what happened? If it’s male? If it’s female?

Me:     Oh, Gawd! YES! I want details! At my age the memory is shot to hell anyway! I live for the details! Male, female, animal, vegetable, whatever! Make stuff up if ya have to! It’s stuff like this I can look back on and grin about with a certain pride when I’m 105 and living in a nursing home. Think how popular I’ll be with all “the boys” there!

Evyl:      What one event that you have witnessed has left you with the biggest feeling of awe? And you can’t take the easy way out and say the birth of a child even if that’s true.

Me:      Standing at the top of Mount Marcy in the Adirondacks two years ago.  That’s the highest peak in the Adirondacks . Having been afraid of heights all my life this was a major accomplishment for me. The view was utterly amazing!  On that day I hiked over 15 miles and I have never felt so insignificant as I did when I finally reached the summit and looked out over the landscape.  It was a natural high!!

(And yes, the birth of my children superceded that by a mile!)

Randomness

  I was wandering randomly around the blog sites today to see if there was someone I could really connect with. I hit the arrow at the top right-hand side of my screen and it sends me off to a new page, a new person’s or organization’s blog. Sometimes, not often, I get lucky and find a gem! But more often than not I know within a few sentences it’s not a good fit for me.

   Here are a few examples of sentences I’ve read on random blog sites that told me I need read no further:  (Please bear in mind that this is about me finding something or someone I fit with. It is not intended as criticism of the content or the writer! I laugh just the same.)

Sometimes I have NO IDEA what the meaning behind the words is:

   The  “proposed solution is to explicitly implement everything in a program, preferably a functional program, so that the fuzziness is exorcised.”

or this:

    “14.Now you combine a O berry with the hot sauce and the puffle goes red and goes hyper and makes a hole through the snow”

 Then there are those sentences which just boggle the mind. I’m sure the author knows what they’re trying to say but  my brain seizes up when I read this:

 I had a girlfriend then, who wasn’t over her ex-girlfriend for 5 years. When my girlfriend then learned that her ex-girlfriend is now my friend’s girlfriend, she couldn’t accept it.

  Then there’s the WTF entry:

  A car door slammed behind him. In the white noise deafness of that grey downpour, the engine roared to life like nothing else. It shuddered and the car rumbled down along the pure-black, down avenues, down boulevards, like nothing else in the discomfort of that wilderness.

 The rain dropped like hen’s eggs from windows, like brass or bullets in the morning.

 

  We have the drunken blog entry which I personally  get a kick out of:

Lov am so fuckin drunk but omg I have llots of stoeies to tell you lol my life’s full of crazy hookups. hahah okay so tmw afternoonl, i will wirte a real entry. full of good stuff enjoy!! even if muscles can;t decide right now..desn;’t stop me from ahvin ood tiems!! lol tell ou soon!!!

 I LOVED this one:  ( I still giggle every time I read it!)

“I was watching inconvenient truth the other day and theres the bit where it shows the sea level rising really high and flooding most of the world. Well i live near the sea, and don’t want to drown, so i got to thinking. Maybe if we lower the sea level a bit, when the water level rises then it won’t rise high enough to flood.

Anyway, heres the plan. Everyone who can should take a bucket of sea water and pour it down the sink. If lots of people put the effort in, we could lower the sea level substantially and create a better world for our children to live.”

 And this one; the author ends with a quote which completely disputes her (il)logic:

“I enjoy all the frills of being a woman. I mostly enjoy the poofy dresses, wearing flowers in my hair, being given a boys oversized jacket when I get cold and getting to go first in line for carrot cake. ☺ But, mostly the thing I love about being a woman is knowing that I deserve respect simply because I exist.”

Is not general incivility the very essence of love?

– Jane Austen

  Happy random reading!      —→

Trisha

“Hospitalized for Exhaustion”

   What a crock of crap that line is: “Hospitalized for Exhaustion”.  If you Google it you’ll see people like friggin’ Amy Winehouse and Brittany-Fuckin’-Spears’ pictures pop up ’cause they’s SOOOOO tired. I know, or at least I think I know, that that’s a euphemism for “rehab”  most times but really!!

 I’m so tired.

D'Bear finally got some much-needed rest on Monday

 D’Bear and I had our garage sale last weekend and I’m still recuperating from it all. For three days we watched and waited for people to come in and either insult us or buy from us. Oh, yes, we made some money but no way am I ever gonna break it down to hourly wages ’cause then I will just be too freakin’ depressed to ever totally rid myself of all the crappola we’ve accumulated over the past thirty years.

  There is somehow still enough shit left in my 4-bay garage (@!#^#!!) TO DO YET ANOTHER GARAGE SALE!!!! AGHHHHHHH!!

     We did get a few interesting characters in. One guy told us a great story about the time he went deer hunting in PA and after stopping at a hunter check-point saw the Game Commission people frisking a couple of men. When the guy asked what they were being held for he heard one of the detainees say ” Hey, I shoota da deer!!” and looked over at the fellow’s car to see a large horned GOAT strapped to the vehicle, field dressed and looking silly! Seems Mr. Brooklyn-via-Sicily mistook a brown goat for the real deal!

   Then there was the gay man who after complimenting me on my taste in perfume (Victoria Beckham’s new fragrance) proceeded to flirt unmercifully with D’Bear!! Cracked me the fuck up until I saw he was buying up a shitload of stuff from said BearMan!!!

   Yeah, we made a decent amount of moola but I am soooo glad it’s OVER! The item I am most happy to see sold? The set of Crystal D’Arc stemware that the STBE (Soon-to-be-Ex) wanted but was too lazy to come get since it meant he would have to wrap each piece individually in order to get it home!  I told him he could have it but the deal was he had to come get it before the sale! I sold over $300 worth of lead crystal stemware for $60!  Yes, $60 worth of happiness!!