suck sucky suck suck

cheap-fun-wineYeah, I’m pissed. And depressed.

I’m 55 years-old, smart, reasonably attractive, and fairly well-liked! I dress well, speak well, and I have SKILZ, baby!

If I were younger I would consider making an offer to sleep my way into a job.  I’d also take pictures and blackmail their asses but still….money is money.

On Friday, three days ago my daughter called me from work to tell me that one of her patients mentioned that a job had just opened for a Marketing Director at a nearby assisted living facility. She suggested that I would be ideal for the job and since I had “insider” information I might be able to beat the crowds looking for work there. It was too late to get my resume out to them by that time so first thing this morning, Monday, I called them to ask for an appointment and was told the position had already been filled.  WTF?

So I have decided that if I live frugally enough I may be able to make it through till I sell this place, collect Social Security (HA!), and maybe have something left over in my annuity to keep me from having to ask my kids to let me live with them.

So here are some ideas I have to save money:

I plan to unplug my clocks while I sleep. 

I will only eat whatever is on sale, and I will only buy what I know I will consume. In the past I have been rather wasteful. I have been known to buy items and then they sat in the freezer or produce bins until they were no longer edible. This spring I tossed some freezer burned edemame, chicken livers, a roast of dubious origins, several bags of Tater Tots , and a 4 lb. chunk of frozen Velveeta over the bank in the back field.  NO MORE! I also intend to start that diet. I think I can probably hibernate on these extra 20  40 lbs. I carry.

Two-ply toilet paper and paper towels? No more. Any remaining two-ply items will summarily be separated into single-ply and used thusly. By reducing my food intake (see above)  I will dramatically cut down on my own “solid-wastes” anyway!

I will get used to wearing a winter coat while in my house. My down comforter will substitute at night. Thermostats will be kept at 55 degrees.  I apologize to anyone visiting me but be forewarned to dress appropriately when coming by.

Coupons. I hate ’em. I will now use them.

Consignment clothing is chic, no? I may look retro-fashionable from now on (otherwise known as “the bag lady look”).

dress made from ramen noodles packages

dress made from ramen noodles packages

Mineral make-up is expensive but I love it. BareMinerals is my cosmetic of choice but perhaps some good old Pennsylvania dirt would work as well. It is, after all, mostly minerals! And it will work so well with the retro fashions I intend to adopt! Perhaps if I sterilize it in the microwave first…..

Siphoning gas from my ex’s vehicles will save me on gasoline bills for my car. Hey! Who asked him to build a house right across from me anyway?

If anyone would like to contribute suggestions on ways that I can save more money please comment and I will take them under consideration. If anyone would like to donate to my retirement fund…. I will adopt you. I could use the tax write-off of a dependent.

the good, the bad, and the snuggly (no, not the damn blanket!)

The weather sucks.

It really does. It’s 42 degrees outside and not much warmer inside, as far as I can tell. D’Bear keeps the heat off until icicles form on the computer screens. Hey, it is his house to do with as he sees fit. Oh, he tells me to turn the heat up but I know he hates it…so I don’t.

stanleyclarkeI am here in NY since last Friday. We went to see Chick Corea, Stanley Clarke, and Lenny White play their amazing jazz in Buffalo at the University of Buffalo Center for the Arts.  I am learning to love jazz. I never thought I would!  Stanley Clark practically f*cked that bass, I swear! He made love to it and made it sing in ways I never knew a bass could sound. He strummed it, plucked it, beat the strings, drummed on the body, fluttered his hand over it like he was literally making love to it! Oh. My. Gosh.

Today is the 7th day in a row with no sunshine. I can’t take much more of this.

I considered going to Rochester Works , the NY State -run employment agency to look for a job here in Rochester. I changed my mind. I need a job. I do. Money is draining through my fingers way too fast. My savings are not going to be able to withstand the kinds of hits they took this past year again unless I can somehow bolster them up with some moolah this year.

My prospects aren’t that good back in Pennsylvania. The economy sucks there like in many small towns. The few manufacturing jobs they once had have long since dried up. Car dealers folded. No one is growing larger, business-wise. My marketable skills are … well, let’s say I fit a niche market, shall we? It sounds better than saying I am practically unemployable at 55 years-old.

Oh, I am smart, reasonably attractive, willing to work, and easy to train but let’s face it. McDonald’s doesn’t really care if I keep my nails nice and ran my own business for 12 years, right?

The job market is considerably better here in Rochester BUT, and here’s the rub, I live in PA! All my contacts, my “stuff” is till there, in PA.  My bank, my mechanic, my house, my daughter and her family, my art studio, my junk… all are there.  If I didn’t have my house there it would be different, but I do. Until D’Bear and I make other arrangements that’s the way it’s going to be.

I don’t want to get married. I want to live, love, laugh, and enjoy the years left without the legal shit. I want to be with D’Bear simply and truly because I love him. No other reason.

He found out this week that his contract job is coming to a close shortly, like in one to three weeks. That means he will be looking for the  next job, feeling the financial strain of living on savings and unemployment until the next gig comes along. Sometimes he gets cranky as shit and I have to put up with his moods and he tells me it’s because he is unemployed. Ahhem… helllooo!!! So am I!

I want to work, too. I just don’t feel like being degraded in the workplace by slinging burgers or emptying bedpans, or smiling at dumbass customers at Home Depot for a few measly bucks a week. I don’t mean to imply that there is anything wrong with doing those jobs but I won’t go there. I am 55 years-old, and I deserve want to work in a place which respects the workers with a fair wage. And I will NOT work every damn Saturday!  I worked every Saturday for over ten years when I had my business and I will NOT do that again.

mcdonalds1Call me what you will.  I am not a prima donna. I am a damned hard worker. With me , you get 150%, but only if you grant me respect. Otherwise I’m outa there. I have watched pimply-faced 19-year-old boys in management at fast food places ,bossing around women twice their age, with sneers in their voices as though the women had no feelings.   I have seen the callousness of nursing home owners when speaking to the nurses’ aides.  I have heard the stories of the retail workers at that DIY place and I can’t imagine working there for very long.

So I am at a loss.

I’m going to sit here and figure it out. One way or another.

Hell, Cougar Town is taped! I can watch that! Noo, maybe not. I don’t need another media message telling me I should look like Courtney Cox in 4-inch heels.

Fuzzy slippers and a sweatshirt maybe.

OH! Here’s another thing! (You thought this damned long blog was finally coming to a close, didn’t you? HA!) After two years together, I am finally coming to the conclusion that I try too damned hard OR he-who-will-not-be-named needs to step his game up. I do not greet him after he comes home from work wearing sweat pants and a hoody. I smell good. I look good. I am cheerful. FUCK! I am practically June-Fucking-Cleaver!cleaverish He looks good when he goes to work. On weekends he wears cargo shorts and Tshirts. What happened to the nice pressed, button-down shirts and the neat jeans? When did wearing cologne become only for workdays? Hmm?

What happened to the sexy talk? When did sleeping- in become sleeping? When did saying “You look beautiful ” become a thing of the past? Where did the occasional love notes or flowers or kisses-for-no-reason go?

Every time I leave NY to drive home…EVERY TIME! … I write him a love note or letter or paint him a picture and leave it somewhere for him to find when I am gone. It’s become a game with us. As soon as he gets home he looks for it. Sometimes it’s somewhere obvious like on the bed. Sometimes I leave it a little hidden so he has to look for it. But I ALWAYS do it.

I am still waiting to find one from him.

Now, in all fairness, he does some wonderful and loving things. He does. He tells me he loves me pretty often. He is a thoughtful and considerate lover. He takes good care of me in so many ways. I am a bitch to complain.

I know he loves me. That’s not it. I am just tired of being the one to make all the effort here.


I love ’em.

when you hug a child

Today was one of those days.  Growing older and living (mostly) alone I often look back on my life and the vision is not always what I wish it to be.

 I cleaned house for my daughter today. I enjoy that and she pays me well but I do it while she is at work and the grandchildren are in daycare so the house is empty.

While I clean my mind is free to wander   As I cleaned my grandson’s room I remembered my own children and the way their rooms looked and smelled.  I remembered how when the girls were very young I would watch them as they slept and how they looked like little angels. I would often feel bad because during the day I had lost my temper over things that I now know are really unimportant. I would see their sweet little faces relaxed in slumber and feel the time I had with them rushing, rushing away!! I wanted to stop time, to rewind and get a chance to go back and do things better, more lovingly!

If only I had worried less about whether they tramped mud in on their shoes, or whether they goofed off at bedtime so as to delay the time for lights out and had instead spent more time playing Candyland and lying in the grass watching the clouds with them or catching lightning bugs in a jar on a hot summer night.

I found this video today. Please watch it and then ask yourself if you’ve hugged someone you love recently.

Is this what it’s gonna be like??

My dearest friend, W. , is 9 years older than I and in the past two years has gone through several serious and life-threatening health issues. Her husband has also had a few surgeries the past few years after a lifetime of really bad habits. Now they spend half their time going from one doctor to another. Her calendar is filled with doctor appointments, lab tests, MRIs, and check-ups with one specialist after another.

Recently I re-injured a badly torn rotator cuff injury in my left shoulder while doing any one of a dozen chores around this big old farm of mine. It could have been caused by picking up huge rocks from the field or from restacking the wood pile, or perhaps moving 5-gallon gas cans around. Who knows?

Either way , the result has been that I am often brought  to tears from the wrong movement of my left arm. In the mornings I have learned that the only way to tackle the day is to get up, put the coffee on, and take a pain killer! Then maybe twenty minutes later, after a hot shower, I can hook my bra and pull up my pants without being brought to my knees from the pain.

 I have an appointment with my internist tomorrow to get the ball rolling on repairing this injury. Insurance companies have a whole series of procedures one must endure, in the proper order, in order to get anything done. So I see my internist  who will send me for x-rays and an MRI and then from there I will see an orthopedic surgeon. Having a daughter who is a physical therapist comes in handy here because she sees first-hand the work done by our local surgeons and knows who to recommend.

 Yesterday I had a follow-up visit with my gastroenterologist and today I had a check-up at my OB/Gyn’s  and tomorrow I see the internist. AAGGH!!! I am becoming like my friend! Every day filled with doctors and tests and poking and prodding and co-pays!!

 I hate getting older.

verily i vociferate

This morning, after having eaten nothing since Monday evening, and drinking 8.3 oz. of Miralax in every conceivable clear liquid along with 4, count ’em , FOUR Dulcolax tablets yesterday, then nothing at all after midnight and after having spent 2/3 of Tuesday hunched on a toilet bowl praying for death (or Thursday) I arrived at the offices of my two dear gastroenterologists.

rectal2I was instructed to arrive by 8:00 a.m. for “the procedure” at 8:30. When I arrived there was no one at the reception window so my SIL (bless his heart) and I stood there until this squawky voice called from an adjoining room “Be right with ya!”

As the lovely lady (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) made her way towards the window I smiled and said “Good morning!”. I was ignored. She took my paperwork without a word and asked me “So,you’re here for a colonoscopy. Did the stuff work?”

What? “the stuff“? OH!!! “Yes, thank you, it worked.” I said. My SIL took a couple of steps back.

She came around the corner and said “Follow me”. I turned to SIL and said ” Go on. Get out of here, I’ll call you when I’m done” and he scooted out the door! She took me to her little corner cubbie and attached a heart monitor and a blood pressure cuff then proceeded to squint and peck at her computer while the machine attached to my tubes and wires tried its best to cause complete blood loss to that limb.

I watched her silently pecking, looking…pecking…watching, waiting…for what seemed like hours. OK, it was about 15 minutes but it felt longer because my left hand was dead blue in color and my heart rate was jumping all over the place. Finally she asked me the same questions that I had answered on the papers I was told to bring AND the same questions this office had had their PA ask me three weeks ago. No, I do not take any medications. No I am not allergic to anything. No, I am not diabetic!! For God’s sake woman! Can’t any of you read????

Finally she stood and directed me down the hall to the prep area. Five women I assume were nurses ( Nurses are evidently NOT gonna wear white, dammit!)  stopped and watched me enter the room. Not one smiled or said a word to me. I was instructed by my  lovely (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) lady to remove my clothes and put on the handkerchief “with the ties in the back”.

Suddenly I became aware that the nurses had regained their voices. A multitude of sounds approximating the sounds of hens clucking and scratching assaulted my ears and the ears of everyone in the room.

“So I said to her ‘ I am NOT gonna take my day off to drive him to the dentist. He can get Marie to do it!” and ” Oh, you shouldn’t have to!” “Where are the bagels? I know there were half a dozen here this morning!”  “He can just go fly a kite! I am not his little servant girl!” “They want me to fill in AGAIN for Dotty on Friday!” ” Is this coffee fresh?”

Now here’s the part of the blog where I’m supposed to stop and say that I have a tremendous respect for nurses, which I do. I am supposed to say that they soothed my brow and made  me feel cared for and that theirs is a difficult job and so on and so forth.  Well, today I was not impressed. This rant is about me and my experience today so if you are a nurse, or you’re married to a nurse or you have a relative who is a nurse, please don’t go all  ballistic and start the flames, OK?

Finally one of the less hunched of the quintet made her way to my cubicle and began to ask me AGAIN “Are you allergic to anything? Do you have diabetes? Did you eat anything this morning?” She told me about the storm she witnessed last night as if I don’t live in the area and I didn’t experience the same thunderstorm. She rattled on about how she has a chain saw but her nephew says she shouldn’t use it because it’s too dangerous but will he bring his sorry ass over to clean up the branches that fell last night..oh no he won’t! All the while she is poking me with an IV needle. Holy Mother of God! She is jabbing that thing like she’s sewing up a Christmas turkey’s ass! “Sorry. I bruised the vein a little there…wait…oh, good, I think it’s in…oops, nope! Ahh……there we go.”

 I watched the male anesthesiologist roll his eyes while waiting his turn to talk to me. He whispered in my ear after she had gone “I’m sorry about that.”

I didn’t feel great about being a woman in that room of women right then. Hell, I didn’t feel great….period.

When I woke up after the procedure one of the hens…I mean nurses, came over to see if I was alive. I assured her that I was and I said “There’s something wet down here by my butt” and she laughed and said “Don’t worry about it. Everybody says that!” When she left I used my IV hand to reach down to my hip and I felt something on the mattress. Grasping it as well as I could I pulled it out and it was a plastic cup!  I must have made a noise because the nurse came back and said “OH!  That’s an irrigation cup! It spilled all over your bed!”  NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!!! story

 Let me tell you, I was never so glad for the doctor to pronounce me fit to go home about ten minutes later. Two polyps removed  and the doctor’s pronouncement that they didn’t appear to be cancerous (but they will be biopsied to make sure) and I was outa there! Two years of freedom from the fear of death- by- colon -cancer for me and a few thousand buckaroos for the doctor! It’s a win/win!

facts about 55 year-old women

birthday-candlesI’m in great company!

Condoleezza Rice was born in 1954 as was Oprah Winfrey. Also born in 1954 :

Ellen Barkin  (we share April 16th as our birthday!), Lorraine Bracco , Christie Brinkley, Lesley-Anne Down, Catherine O’Hara, Rene Russo,Kathleen Turner, and Annie Lennox.

Women 55 years-old and older constitute the largest number of new members on Facebook! According to Facebook the  ”  Fastest growing segment: Women over 55, up 175.3% in the last 120 days.”

This movie was made the same year I was born- 55 YEARS AGO! I especially love the alien woman “NAYA”. She sounds so much like Katherine Hepburn. “You speak unwisely.” Check out her bodyguard robot with flowerpot arms!!! What a great old movie!

According to The Hindu News Service: “

55-year-old New Zealand woman claims Cook Strait record

WELLINGTON (Xinhua): A 55-year-old woman from New Zealand North Island resort of Rotorua has swum Cook Strait in nine hours 23 minutes, becoming the oldest person to do so. Pam Dickson, 55, completed the swim on Friday on her first attempt, despite suffering hypothermia on the last leg and swimming in a circle for the final 800 meters because she was so cold and disoriented. She said the water temperature was 18 degrees when she began the swim, but it then dropped to 16 degrees in the final 4 km. She swam the distance of 26 km from north to south. Dickson, a massage therapist and grandmother of nine, said she’ s jumping with joy at her feat, but will probably not rest for too long. She has competed in many Ironman races and marathons and is considering doing the Rotorua marathon in May.

I don’t feel old. It feels like every other day, as a matter of fact. I’m just happy to feel anything these days!!!  I kinda like where I am today, April 16th, 2009.

pink is like red but not quite

WARNING TO MY FAMILY- POSSIBLE TMI!!!orangesAs I grow older certain parts of my body amaze me.

When I gain weight, it’s now my belly that gets inflamed huge. When I was younger the weight seemed to spread itself around more evenly. Now if I eat two heavy  meals in a row my middle feels bigger immediately! My pants grow tight and I’m not talking a food baby!

Oh, you know what a food baby is, right? That’s when you get a little pot belly right after you eat a meal. It feels round, like a pregnant belly!foodbaby2

 There are other things that change that no one really talks about, like the color of a woman’s nipples.

When you’re very young, prepubescent, they’re usually pink, like shell pink, very sweet and delicate. Then at puberty they start to darken a little and they get larger. All good things!!

When a woman gets pregnant nipples can become dark as night, dark like chocolate or purply and they grow bigger and bigger until a nursing mother can have nipples as big as a fried egg!fried_egg__sunny_side_up

But then after a certain age, during or after menopause, they start to change again. Mine have become that same shade of pale pink I had as a girl.

They’re still a woman’s nipples. They still love a caress or a kiss. They still respond amazingly to touch or the whisper of cold air or water. But they are such a sweet pink!

Pink is my favorite color. I used to HATE pink but I find it’s a nice color for women des certain age, as the French call older women.  I love that term: “la femme des certain age” ( pronounced “la fem day sairtan odge”  a woman of a certain age. ) It’s so much nicer than old lady, isn’t it? That’s a name I  don’t mind being called at all.

 Aerosmith … I have seen them twice in concert and I adore them! Steven Tyler’s willingness to be androgynous and the mouth on him…well, how can one not be mesmerized by him? His music is awesome!

This song is for all the femmes des certain age that are on my blogroll and for all the women who one day will be ….

It embraces the beauty in every body, no matter size, age, or weight. I love it!

randomness, mental debris, physical exhaustion

 I know, I KNOW! I haven’t posted anything in a week! I am mentally sans muse!     This is the most random bunch of shite I have ever considered posting but hey. …You’re here. You might as well continue reading the post, eh?

  1. Someone pinged me from a Swedish language site and I think I know who she is but regardless I am learning how to use Google Translator and I commented on her post, too, because that’s the kinda gal I am!  How cool is it that someone in Sweden reads my blog!
  2. My amazing, handsome, and brilliant son, Dobeman, made some very nice remarks after spending a long weekend here with his bio-mom. BUT I think I have to do some upgrading on my interior decor. I was already considering a new sofa and a new dining room ensemble but now it is a priority! Have you ever entered the home of someone who has lived in their home for 20 years or more and right away you know the the year the moved in, because nothing has really changed? It’s not retro! It’s just freakin’ old!  If I have to eat Skippy Creamy  PB (’cause meat is so damned expensive!) then so be it! I will have moved into the year 2009 rather than living in 19-frickin’-81 which is what my home screams when you see the decor!
  3. My oldest daughter is 7-months pregnant and being quite nasty to her family. She tries, God knows, but she may just drive us all ’round the bend by the time this little boy is born.
  4. bearcold4Man Colds are deadly and insufferably bad! Ask D’Bear! His is worse than anything I have ever suffered through. They always are. 🙂 To his credit he was absolutely amazing this past weekend. He came all the way down to my house after work on Friday, a drive of over three hours to spend some time with my family and me. He had never met my son, Dobeman, and I was dying for them toget to know each other. I see so many similarities between them.  Both work in the computer field, (tech writer, marketing, PR, for engineering for D’Bear), both are Conservatives, both are cautious and frugal with their money, both have a wicked sense of humor and a love of wine and music and literature.  Unfortunately poor Dobeman came down with a bad sinus infection and a head cold just before his trip here and THEN D’Bear comes down with his nasty bug as soon as he gets home on Monday!
  5. What the HELL is going on with the male bloggers here on WordPress??? Both my darling bad-boy Evyl and my sweet-but-nasty Spidey have been noticeably absent of late. I am a little concerned about that!
  6. I have to have another colonoscopy. Yeah, I know…TMI! But seriously! Two years ago I had a couple of nasty, pre-cancerous polyps removed so I have to do this scope-up-the-ass thing every two years!  The only good thing about it that after 24 hours of fasting and laxatives, I lose between 6-8 pounds and I feel PRETTY !! (Of course I am light-headed and starving but other than that… mah-velous!)
  7. steak_bjIf you missed Saturday’s amazing Holiday then make it a point to write down the date for next year. March 14th is the MAN VALENTINE’S DAY! Yes, you heard me. It was Steak & a Blow Job Day. HA!! D’Bear got two steaks this past weekend but with so much family in the house, he will have to take a rain-check on the rest of the Holiday’s promise!! HAHAHA!!! I hope your man got his!!
  8. Spring is on its way! YAY!!! I went outside without a heavy jacket today and I did not die of frostbite and hypothermia!!!!!! Soon here in Northeast PA we’ll be hearing this:
  9.  .  I’m making Beef Curry, Basmati Rice, Cucumber Lime Salad, and … I’m lost as to what else to feature on the menu for our Saturday dinner with the NY neighbors.  There are three couples, one on each side of the lovely D’Bear and then of course, us. All last summer we spent hours and hours on each others’ porches in the evenings, drinking wine, and sharing good food that we all contributed to the cause. When the cold of winter forced us inside we decided to start a sort of Supper Club. One  of us hosts a dinner each month.  This month is our turn and since I’ve served this recipe for Beef Curry several times to accolades I feel it will go over equally well with this I’ll have condiments like chopped peanuts, raisins or currants, shredded coconut, etc. but I am at a loss as to what else to make to round out the menu. I need one more thing as a side and a dessert. Any ideas?
  10. Yesterday I watched the Martha Stewart Show and guess what!! She’s getting fat!  She had Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives on and Martha looked HUGE next to her!  Yes, Ms. Martha of the “I am a former model and I am so much richer than you!” fame. Yep, she and Oprah have packed on some poundage! If Oprah tries to tell me ONE MORE TIME how to lose weight I’m gonna take a gun to my TV!  How can she preach to millions of women (and she does!) and not see the irony?       OK, that sounds mean , but Boo-fucking-Hoo.

 OK, that’s today’s scintillating post, y’all. Thanks for making it to the bottom of the page. Comments are not only welcome but incredibly appreciated!! 

who you calling paranoid?

Birdpress took one of these on line personality test that determine your mental health. Hers was quite her. For those of us who know and love her, well.. we know and love her.  She’s NOT nuts! She’s awesome!

 But curiosity got the better of me so I went over there and took the test and here are my results:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid Disorder: High
Schizoid Disorder: Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder: Very High
Antisocial Disorder: Low
Borderline Disorder: Low
Histrionic Disorder: High
Narcissistic Disorder: Very High
Avoidant Disorder: Low
Dependent Disorder: High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Moderate

Sheesh!! No wonder poor little Birdpress was worried. It seems I am a Paranoid, Schizotypal, Histrionic, Dependent with moderate OCD!!

 Fuck ’em. That’s what makes me interesting!! LOL

An Award I Am Proud to Own

There is someone who blogs quite frequently who makes me feel insignificant. She goes by the name of Anja, and her rants are so brilliant and visceral, so straight from the heart and the gut that I feel like a rank amateur in this blogging world. She just nominated me (and several more deserving bloggers) for this award.


So many times I sit down at my computer and try to get down in words the things that are real and personal and meaningful but I am restrained from being completely honest for several reasons, not the least of which are the fact that at least two of my children read my blog posts.

I vowed from the beginning that that would not constrain me from writing the words I needed to write but the truth is, I am held in check by the fact that they , and perhaps my sweet lover, D’Bear may read my words.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

I don’t feel “Lovely” most of the time. In fact, I never really feel “ Lovely“.

My whole life has been spent trying to prove that “ Lovely” me does not exist.

I’m so afraid that if they find out how unlovely I am they will despise me.

My whole life has been spent trying to feel worthy of love.

OMG, How corny and pathetic does THAT sound?

When I was a a young girl in high school, back in 1969, I was told that I was “brilliant” and ” gifted”.

I was placed in “Advanced Placement” classes. I was told over and over that I was given the gift of intelligence and that I could be anything I wanted to be. What a crock.

I got pregnant at 15-years -old by the first boy who told me he loved me.

All those years of study and the A+ report cards meant nothing. I was a victim of my biology and my lust and my need to feel loved.

The real victims were the sons I gave birth to in 1970 and 1973. My daughters have dealt with the guilt I have lived with.

I can never make reparations for the suffering I caused. For that I will always feel pain. I hope they know that.

I listen to music that scores the longing I feel. Ludovico Einaudi’s “Una Mattina” shows some of the pain and longing I feel. That’s why I listen to his music. It is who I am.

It is how I feel.

Thank you, Anja. You help me know myself.

I hope others understand that my nomination is sincere when I  place their names here for this award: And the rules say:

The requirements for this award are:

Copy and save the award logo then …
1. Add the logo to your blog.
2. Link to the person from whom you received this award.
3. Nominate 7 or more blogs.
4. Leave a message on their blog, letting them know they are “One Lovely Blog”!

2 Lazy Dogs (Gawd, she’s so GOOD!)

c. (  my poetess)

Allison( So REAL)

Birdpress ( Baby Girl)

Spidey ( The sweetest male blogger I know)

JavaQueen ( My long lost sister)

Gadfly ( Daddy Dom)

I love you all.