There is someone who blogs quite frequently who makes me feel insignificant. She goes by the name of Anja, and her rants are so brilliant and visceral, so straight from the heart and the gut that I feel like a rank amateur in this blogging world. She just nominated me (and several more deserving bloggers) for this award.
So many times I sit down at my computer and try to get down in words the things that are real and personal and meaningful but I am restrained from being completely honest for several reasons, not the least of which are the fact that at least two of my children read my blog posts.
I vowed from the beginning that that would not constrain me from writing the words I needed to write but the truth is, I am held in check by the fact that they , and perhaps my sweet lover, D’Bear may read my words.
From the bottom of my heart I thank you.
I don’t feel “Lovely” most of the time. In fact, I never really feel “ Lovely“.
My whole life has been spent trying to prove that “ Lovely” me does not exist.
I’m so afraid that if they find out how unlovely I am they will despise me.
My whole life has been spent trying to feel worthy of love.
OMG, How corny and pathetic does THAT sound?
When I was a a young girl in high school, back in 1969, I was told that I was “brilliant” and ” gifted”.
I was placed in “Advanced Placement” classes. I was told over and over that I was given the gift of intelligence and that I could be anything I wanted to be. What a crock.
I got pregnant at 15-years -old by the first boy who told me he loved me.
All those years of study and the A+ report cards meant nothing. I was a victim of my biology and my lust and my need to feel loved.
The real victims were the sons I gave birth to in 1970 and 1973. My daughters have dealt with the guilt I have lived with.
I can never make reparations for the suffering I caused. For that I will always feel pain. I hope they know that.
I listen to music that scores the longing I feel. Ludovico Einaudi’s “Una Mattina” shows some of the pain and longing I feel. That’s why I listen to his music. It is who I am.
It is how I feel.
Thank you, Anja. You help me know myself.
I hope others understand that my nomination is sincere when I place their names here for this award: And the rules say:
The requirements for this award are:
Copy and save the award logo then …
1. Add the logo to your blog.
2. Link to the person from whom you received this award.
3. Nominate 7 or more blogs.
4. Leave a message on their blog, letting them know they are “One Lovely Blog”!
2 Lazy Dogs (Gawd, she’s so GOOD!)
Birdpress ( Baby Girl)
Spidey ( The sweetest male blogger I know)
JavaQueen ( My long lost sister)
Gadfly ( Daddy Dom)
I love you all.