An Award I Am Proud to Own

There is someone who blogs quite frequently who makes me feel insignificant. She goes by the name of Anja, and her rants are so brilliant and visceral, so straight from the heart and the gut that I feel like a rank amateur in this blogging world. She just nominated me (and several more deserving bloggers) for this award.

lovely-blog-award

So many times I sit down at my computer and try to get down in words the things that are real and personal and meaningful but I am restrained from being completely honest for several reasons, not the least of which are the fact that at least two of my children read my blog posts.

I vowed from the beginning that that would not constrain me from writing the words I needed to write but the truth is, I am held in check by the fact that they , and perhaps my sweet lover, D’Bear may read my words.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

I don’t feel “Lovely” most of the time. In fact, I never really feel “ Lovely“.

My whole life has been spent trying to prove that “ Lovely” me does not exist.

I’m so afraid that if they find out how unlovely I am they will despise me.

My whole life has been spent trying to feel worthy of love.

OMG, How corny and pathetic does THAT sound?

When I was a a young girl in high school, back in 1969, I was told that I was “brilliant” and ” gifted”.

I was placed in “Advanced Placement” classes. I was told over and over that I was given the gift of intelligence and that I could be anything I wanted to be. What a crock.

I got pregnant at 15-years -old by the first boy who told me he loved me.

All those years of study and the A+ report cards meant nothing. I was a victim of my biology and my lust and my need to feel loved.

The real victims were the sons I gave birth to in 1970 and 1973. My daughters have dealt with the guilt I have lived with.

I can never make reparations for the suffering I caused. For that I will always feel pain. I hope they know that.

I listen to music that scores the longing I feel. Ludovico Einaudi’s “Una Mattina” shows some of the pain and longing I feel. That’s why I listen to his music. It is who I am.

It is how I feel.

Thank you, Anja. You help me know myself.

I hope others understand that my nomination is sincere when I  place their names here for this award: And the rules say:

The requirements for this award are:

Copy and save the award logo then …
1. Add the logo to your blog.
2. Link to the person from whom you received this award.
3. Nominate 7 or more blogs.
4. Leave a message on their blog, letting them know they are “One Lovely Blog”!

2 Lazy Dogs (Gawd, she’s so GOOD!)

c. (  my poetess)

Allison( So REAL)

Birdpress ( Baby Girl)

Spidey ( The sweetest male blogger I know)

JavaQueen ( My long lost sister)

Gadfly ( Daddy Dom)

I love you all.

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18 comments on “An Award I Am Proud to Own

  1. OMG! An award. For me! I’ve never received an award, ever! [Allison jumps up and down and does the happy dance]

    I am SO honored, especially since it is coming from you. I shall take this little gift and treasure it.

    As for you needing approval or love…. you have plenty of it by what I have seen.

    You are uniquely you because of what you have lived through. I love you!

    allison- Oh, my! I find it hard to believe you’ve never won an award! You are an excellent blogger and a mighty fine drummer, too! You deserve a Grammy for that drum solo I heard, lady!
    Hugs and love for you from ME!

  2. This made me a little sad, sad for you for not knowing how great you are- how truly lovely you are but at the same time, I understand how guilt can make you see everything skewed! Guilt blows! You show me one mom who doesn’t have guilt and I’ll print out this lovely award and pin it on her left tit myself!

    I was just weepy the other day as I thought of how hard I was on my oldest son… then I remembered my sister crying about the same things and I clearly remember telling her, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you were young, that’s all you knew, you are only human!” Now why is it that we can easily think or say that to someone else and mean it, from the bottom of our hearts- but not about ourselves? It’s bullshit, that’s what it is!

    It’s constant work to be as nice to myself as I am to others. I’m ok, I have fucked up a ton, but I am ok and SO ARE YOU! Regardless of what age we had our kids at, regardless of what age we did WHATEVER. I’m telling you, you ARE lovely. You just are.

    Thank you for this award Trisha! I’m thinking that not only are you lovely, you are so sweet to pass on the love too!

    JQ- I didn’t get along with my “real” sister nearly as well as I do with you. If she had been able to say the sweet things you just wrote we’d still be close. Sheesh! I like this getting to pick your family thing. You guys are my chosen family. Didja know that? And a whole lot nicer than my old one, too! (mom, dad, sibs…not my immediate fams).

    I only get maudlin like that once in a while but thanks for being there to help shore my ego back up a notch.
    You are the best, kiddo.
    I love ya!

  3. What a lovely blog award. Congratulations, very well deserved. And congratulations to those you have passed it along to, including me. :mrgreen: Thank you very much, Trisha. I enjoyed your little piano jam too. Please keep in mind you are far more than “pain and longing” in the eyes of all that know you. It may be a part of you, but it’s nowhere near all of you. Thanks again, and take care lady. 😉

    Spidey- Now see?? This is why I gave that award to you!
    I’m glad you liked the music, Peter, since that music means so much to me. And thank you for being such a good friend…to me and so many. It’s why we love you.
    8)

  4. I started commenting here several times and kept deleting it. I can’t seem to say what I want to say. I’m gonna have to think some more, but in the meantime, I wanted to acknowledge you and say thank you for the award, and you better f-ing know that I love you most of all. Also, I know you can read the last part of that sentence two ways and I mean it in both. 😉

    birdpress- I didn’t realize (or remember?) that you had already been given that award by our lovely Anja but it’s OK since you deserve it twice!

    and BabyGirl…. I know. It’s why we’ve always been so close. Never let that change. You know the feeling is mutual, right?

  5. Wow. I never would have guessed that you felt that way. When I read your words I think of you as a happy, kind, lovely person! You inspire me, make me laugh, and always keep me guessing. I love AND adore you!

    As far as guilt goes…sheesh. It’s a bitch. As a single mom I deal with it every stinkin’ day…but try to realize that there are some things that are impossible to change and some things are best left alone. We all make mistakes. That’s what makes us, US!

    Me – good? Bwahahahaa! Not so much! Thanks for the award, my dear. Love you! xoxoxoxoox

    2LD- Mostly I AM a happy person. I crawl into my hole only a couple times a year now as opposed to weekly, as in the past. Depression runs in the family. I inherited it and then passed it on to most of my kids. Lucky kids, huh?

    I have put MSOT of my guilt behind me. Like I said, it only rears its ugly hug once in a while and that’s when I tend to get maudlin.

    And yes! You ARE GOOD!!! I said so…and I’m older than you so my say-so counts!!! 😀

  6. This is kind of sad…melancholy seems more appropriate of a word. What was it about the 60s and 70s that left girls/women doubting themselves so much?

    I admire that you found it within yourself to have your sons and put them up for adoption. That’s a hard, hard choice. We often make selfish choices, based on nothing but ourselves. Putting your child up for adoption is one of the most unselfish and most difficult choices that a mother ever makes. At 15, you definitely did the right thing. Quit beating yourself up for it.

    *hugs*

    ispyu- You are SO right about the 60s and 70s. Women have come a long way since then thanks to some very hard-ass feminists doing some serious ass-kicking.

    I do think I did the right thing “at the time” but if I got a chance to do things over, well, …that’s all water under the bridge, right?

    Thank you, kind heart for your sweet words and support. They mean more than you’ll ever know.

    Sending hugs back to you… 🙂

  7. Oh my… what a powerful post. Yes, I know guilt. It blows big time. And at the same time I say, you so totally deserve this award! I’m happy for you, really very happy.

    SLF_ Thanks, my friend. There are very few folks who don’t carry a burden of some sort around with them all their lives. I am surely not unique in that respect. And today the sun is shining (although it’s cold as a mother!) so I will smile and be happy.

    Thanks again. You are a lovely, lovely person.

  8. You are truly lovely and quit beating up on yourself. We were all young once.

    Evyl- Yes, thank you. You’re right. Except I don’t think I was ever really young. …long story. BUT I am fine and I love you!

  9. Do you love how Ludovico’s music is everywhere now and we (thanks to you) knew about it first?

    It kinda peeves me though…I’m not sure I want to share it.

    dobeman– HAHAHA!! It’s TRUE!! I did the same thing with Mission Style furniture, Southwest cuisine (in PA.!) , and now Einaudi!

    Once the masses take him for their own, I get pissy!!! 😛

  10. Thank you so much, Trisha. i’m really honored. i never thought lovely and i were compatable.

    i want to say we all make mistakes. And it’s really true. We do. We all have made those choices that we go back to over and over and think why didn’t i do x instead of y? If only…

    But that is simply a torture. And after a while, we have to ask why we’re torturing ourselves. It does nothing but cause us, and those who love us, pain.

    Even murderers can be freed after twenty-five years. When will you be released? And who has the power to release you?

    c- Now see? (no pun intended) You don’t think you and lovely are compatable but I DO! I see it in the words you write on every post! And thru those words I’ve come to know a really lovely you!

    As I said above in comments, I rarely get those “blues” days when I start thinking back over my misspent youth but occasionally a black hole opens up and swallows me temporarily. I always climb back out, nowadays sooner rather than later.
    You , my friend, are indeed a wise woman. Thank YOU!

  11. Wow. It seems like so many of us have insecurities that don’t always show on the blogs. I have always seen you as a beautiful and extremely attractive woman who is also super intelligent. I wasn’t surprised to see you on the list of recipients from Anja at all. I’m glad she chose you because I guess you needed it, lady. Ludovico’s music is amazing – thanks for sharing that video. I love the relationship we can see between you and Birdpress. The past is the past and what you both share now is a blessing. May it always continue. 🙂

  12. Oops – sorry for the echo. LOL. Now that I read my comment, it looks wrong. The sentence that says, “I’m glad she chose you because I guess you needed it, lady,” really should have said, “But I’m glad she chose you because it sounds like you needed the confidence lift.” Only I can make something that is supposed to make you feel better come out totally backwards sounding. I need to go to bed. 🙂

    teeni- (all fixed! no more echoes.)
    Thank you for that sweet and wonderfully wise comment. I am dumbfounded by the comments saying I am this or that because, well, it’s just funny to hear yourself described by others through this medium.
    I am SO feelin’ the luv!
    That massive pity party is over, hopefully never to return to these pages again!
    I love you, teeni!

  13. omg, that music is so beautiful it made my heart ache.

    Thank you for sharing that. And for sharing your story. You really do deserve that award.

    hugs

    Mistress B- I’m glad you liked the music. All of his stuff is like that! Just heartwrenchingly beautiful.
    And thank you, sweet B. for your kindnesses.
    (((hugs))

  14. What a beautiful yet haunting piece of music. I think I can see why it speaks to you.

    And you deserve this award because you are lovely. Even if you can’t see it.

    Widdleshamrock- Awww, You are so sweet to say that. I don’t know what to say except thank you.
    I’m glad to see that others “get” Einaudi’s music. He is a genius!

  15. Pingback: 3 More Award =D « * * * HATE ~ & ~ ANGER * * *

  16. I’m late enough for this entry that the music is no longer available. It must have been wiped out with a lot of other stuff that was taken off of Youtube recently.

    You mention very little about your family of origin, you never make any comments about blaming anyone other than yourself, which I think is commendable and yet not reasonable. (But then you already know I’m a WHINER big time:) F*ck it:)

    I just get the impression that you had no support from your family that could MAKE it possible for you to survive on your own before choosing adoption as the only viable option. Today family bend over backwards and grandparents stick their heads up their own asses to make it all come together so that the grandchildren can remain with the family. My sister just received custody of her 3 on Friday the 13th — of all days — a 1, 2 & 3 year old. It’s a different world.

    The part that spoke to me most was the thing about always looking for love. That happens when you’re not receiving it at home from the people you should be getting it from.

    I could so totally have found myself in your situation. There has to be some kind of bigger plan in action, a reason for all of it!

    I can only hope to have the adult relationship with my children that you do. Oh good God, I hope so! Clearly, you did good:)

    Pam- Well, three outa four ain’t bad, I suppose. My oldest son doesn’t want much to do with me. That’s his perogative. I’m not sure I would be any different if I were he.
    You are a very compassionate friend to write those kind words. Comments like these are why I continue to blog. I’ve found such unbelievable acceptance here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Pam.

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