suck sucky suck suck

cheap-fun-wineYeah, I’m pissed. And depressed.

I’m 55 years-old, smart, reasonably attractive, and fairly well-liked! I dress well, speak well, and I have SKILZ, baby!

If I were younger I would consider making an offer to sleep my way into a job.  I’d also take pictures and blackmail their asses but still….money is money.

On Friday, three days ago my daughter called me from work to tell me that one of her patients mentioned that a job had just opened for a Marketing Director at a nearby assisted living facility. She suggested that I would be ideal for the job and since I had “insider” information I might be able to beat the crowds looking for work there. It was too late to get my resume out to them by that time so first thing this morning, Monday, I called them to ask for an appointment and was told the position had already been filled.  WTF?

So I have decided that if I live frugally enough I may be able to make it through till I sell this place, collect Social Security (HA!), and maybe have something left over in my annuity to keep me from having to ask my kids to let me live with them.

So here are some ideas I have to save money:

I plan to unplug my clocks while I sleep. 

I will only eat whatever is on sale, and I will only buy what I know I will consume. In the past I have been rather wasteful. I have been known to buy items and then they sat in the freezer or produce bins until they were no longer edible. This spring I tossed some freezer burned edemame, chicken livers, a roast of dubious origins, several bags of Tater Tots , and a 4 lb. chunk of frozen Velveeta over the bank in the back field.  NO MORE! I also intend to start that diet. I think I can probably hibernate on these extra 20  40 lbs. I carry.

Two-ply toilet paper and paper towels? No more. Any remaining two-ply items will summarily be separated into single-ply and used thusly. By reducing my food intake (see above)  I will dramatically cut down on my own “solid-wastes” anyway!

I will get used to wearing a winter coat while in my house. My down comforter will substitute at night. Thermostats will be kept at 55 degrees.  I apologize to anyone visiting me but be forewarned to dress appropriately when coming by.

Coupons. I hate ’em. I will now use them.

Consignment clothing is chic, no? I may look retro-fashionable from now on (otherwise known as “the bag lady look”).

dress made from ramen noodles packages

dress made from ramen noodles packages

Mineral make-up is expensive but I love it. BareMinerals is my cosmetic of choice but perhaps some good old Pennsylvania dirt would work as well. It is, after all, mostly minerals! And it will work so well with the retro fashions I intend to adopt! Perhaps if I sterilize it in the microwave first…..

Siphoning gas from my ex’s vehicles will save me on gasoline bills for my car. Hey! Who asked him to build a house right across from me anyway?

If anyone would like to contribute suggestions on ways that I can save more money please comment and I will take them under consideration. If anyone would like to donate to my retirement fund…. I will adopt you. I could use the tax write-off of a dependent.

ok…..maybe not…

paintsprayer

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT buy a Ryobi Power Paint Sprayer.

I was so anticipating this to be a great day. Checking items off my to-do list makes me happy!

I was so ready to paint some fencing! Around 1:30 I assembled my items: new Ryobi paint sprayer, extension cords, Glidden Satin Exterior paint, large brush, and paint stirrer.

I first took the string trimmer out to get all the grass and weeds away from my fence.   I managed to get it running though I did have to keep the choke on over halfway the whole time.

 Once that was done I ran three heavy-duty exterior extension cords out  to the fence. I read ALL the instructions for the new paint sprayer, as only a woman would do. I lubricated the piston as directed. I filled the paint cup, primed the sprayer and proceeded to paint the fence.

The paint didn’t come out quite as I imagined it would , in a nice lovely, even mist but rather in a clumpy single stream with a slight misting overspray. After three 8-foot boards the sprayer stopped and I realized it needed more paint. I didn’t like the way the paint was sort of clumpy so I fetched a quart container of Wagner Paint Conditioner, guaranteed to thin without diluting. This particular sprayer had promised that thinning the paint was unnecessary but I thought the thickness of the paint might be the culprit.

The next round seemed a bit better  though I had some trouble screwing the bottle containing the paint onto the sprayer. Lining up the grooves proved to be difficult with hands slippery with paint!

The next sprayerful was not happy! I primed the sprayer , as directed, but the paint came out sporadically and then stopped. By this time I was completely covered in white paint and tried to remove the full paint cup but it refused to come off! AGGH!! I wedged my sneaker-laced feet around the container and whacked at it with all my strength! That’s IT!   Finally!!   Off it came, drenching my shoes and me with white latex paint.

 I’d had enough by now! Cursing the very day I decided that this was a good idea I poured the remaining paint back into the can and took the damned thing over to the hose and sprayed as much paint off it as I could. It then went with me into the kitchen and for the next 30 minutes I scrubbed and wiped and rubbed and rinsed that damned thing clean. I disassembled the parts and cleaned each piece thoroughly and packed it all back snugly in the handy, dandy carrying case.

It took me twice as long to put away extension cords, clean my kitchen, take a shower, scrub my fingernails, and get as much paint off me as was humanly possible.

I was prepared to do battle with the folks at Home Depot. Receipt in hand I marched in to the store and right to the counter marked for returns.  I said “I have a return!”. The young man took my receipt, the boxed sprayer and in less than 2 minutes I had a receipt for the credited amount.  No questions asked. No suspicious examination of the boxed item. I could have returned a dead woodchuck in there! He never even looked!

grin

Ryobi -0

Home Depot-1000

I am back to imagining that I will somehow find the time to hand paint 5oo+ feet of board fencing before the snow flies.

 HA!

brrrrrrrrrr……..

 

 

 

 

deadbug1

Dead bug position

dead+bug2

REAL DEAD BUG

This morning it was 48 degrees Fahrenheit. I went to bed with a few windows left open and when I awoke I was shivering under my quilt and spread. I am not ready for winter. I still have too much to do!

 

I went to Home Depot today to buy a paint sprayer. I have over 500 feet of three-rail wooden fencing that is in dire need of painting. In the past I had access to a husband who was willing to either

a. have me paint it all summer

b. hire someone else to paint it

c. bribe one of our daughters to do it

or

 d. leave it go till it rotted and fell over.

I, on the other hand, do not have access to his money nor am I willing to paint it with a brush over the course of weeks and weeks. My life is too short to do that! I am old, dammit! And letting it go to rot and fall down is not an option if I am ever hopeful of selling this money-sucking monstrosity of an estate beautiful, classic farmhouse and surrounding acreage.

I was just in the last bit of cursing and kicking at the self check-out due to the fact that I had indeed, despite the damned machine’s insistence that I had not “placed items in the bagging area” when my friends Jay and Pinky showed up. Jay informed me that my idea of using the electric paint sprayer wouldn’t work. I had told him I was willing to use several extension cords rather than pay for a gas-powered sprayer which could cost hundreds of dollars. He tells me this after I check out!

I had spent 20 minutes in the paint department with two lovely male employees who were both willing to help me find exactly the right items. Of course one had no idea where the exterior paint was located so I am pretty sure his advice is fairly unsound. This was the really adorable one with the dreadlocks….in HONESDALE, PA! We don’t normally DO dreadlocks here in Nowheresville, USA but hey! We are becoming quite the trendy hot spot! They tended to my Home Depot needs quite attentively and I left with my new Ryobi paint sprayer. I like Ryobi products! I also like attentive male employees!

Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I had on extremely tight jeans or maybe it was simply “Be Nice to the Old Ladies Day”. I prefer to think it was the former.

So now here I am with my purchases and Jay, aka Mr. I Know Everything, tells me it will never work. I can only hope to prove him wrong. PLEASE let him be wrong!

I also bought a 2 gallon pump sprayer for insecticide. Ever since I fired my exterminator and started spraying Spectracide Once-and-Done Bug killer around the perimeter of my home I have had far fewer invasions of ants, spiders, and other creepy-crawlies than ever! The fact that my urine glows in the dark is a small price to pay for not having earwigs crawling on toilet seats in the middle of the night, let me tell you!

I leave you with this bit of wisdom today:
 

 

 

“The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.” —-Muhammed Ali

 

 
 

 

 

Cowboy Coffee and PPL

coffee3

Ever have one of those mornings when you wish you could get a do-over?

Last night I watched my 10-week-old grandson while my daughter and her husband had a night on the town for her birthday. This was her first real outing since the baby was born and she really needed it so I told her to stay out as late as she wanted.  “We’ll be fine! I’ve watched babies before!” I said smugly.

Five hours into the evening I was watching the clock. By 10 o’clock I was totally exhausted! At 10:30 they came for the babe . I had planned on making a birthday cake and making potato salad for the Sunday celebration the following day but at that point I said “screw it” . I emptied the dishwasher, washed the coffee pot and went to bed.

At 4:20 A.M. the phone next to my bed chirped once, loudly and woke me up. I reached for it and realized the power was out. Grreat……..

No sleep for me after that. By 5:30 I gave up trying and went downstairs, wrapped myself up on my wooly throw since it was a chilly 60 degrees and took my book to the window to read while waiting for the electricity to come back on.

By 7:30 I was SO jonesing for some hot coffee I considered going to town to grab some Dunkin’ Donuts coffee…and maybe a donut or three. I resisted the urge. I am so good! Had I not cleaned the coffee maker last night I would have considered heating that up somehow.  I decided instead to try my hand at making coffee on my gas grill. I got out a heavy saucepan, metered out some water ( I have a well so when the power goes out the water is limited to whatever is already in the water tank downstairs), and popped it on the grill. After about 20 minutes the water was somewhat hot so I measured some ground coffee into the pot, covered it and took it off the grill.

 I waited five minutes then carefully carried the hot pot into the kitchen, grabbed the finest strainer I had and poured myself a mug of rather murky looking but FABULOUS smelling java.

Then the lights came on.

Is this what it’s gonna be like??

My dearest friend, W. , is 9 years older than I and in the past two years has gone through several serious and life-threatening health issues. Her husband has also had a few surgeries the past few years after a lifetime of really bad habits. Now they spend half their time going from one doctor to another. Her calendar is filled with doctor appointments, lab tests, MRIs, and check-ups with one specialist after another.

Recently I re-injured a badly torn rotator cuff injury in my left shoulder while doing any one of a dozen chores around this big old farm of mine. It could have been caused by picking up huge rocks from the field or from restacking the wood pile, or perhaps moving 5-gallon gas cans around. Who knows?

Either way , the result has been that I am often brought  to tears from the wrong movement of my left arm. In the mornings I have learned that the only way to tackle the day is to get up, put the coffee on, and take a pain killer! Then maybe twenty minutes later, after a hot shower, I can hook my bra and pull up my pants without being brought to my knees from the pain.

 I have an appointment with my internist tomorrow to get the ball rolling on repairing this injury. Insurance companies have a whole series of procedures one must endure, in the proper order, in order to get anything done. So I see my internist  who will send me for x-rays and an MRI and then from there I will see an orthopedic surgeon. Having a daughter who is a physical therapist comes in handy here because she sees first-hand the work done by our local surgeons and knows who to recommend.

 Yesterday I had a follow-up visit with my gastroenterologist and today I had a check-up at my OB/Gyn’s  and tomorrow I see the internist. AAGGH!!! I am becoming like my friend! Every day filled with doctors and tests and poking and prodding and co-pays!!

 I hate getting older.

you MUST read this!!!

fat
As someone who has battled with the same 30 friggin’ pounds my whole adult life, I consider myself to be a professional dieter. BUT I read this post by Flurrious today and I realized that I have met my match if not my superior.
PLEASE go HERE and read the funniest thing you’ve ever read about dieting in your life!!!

take my nose….please.

My Neti Pot is my friend. neti12Don’t know what a Neti Pot is? Click here.

My sinuses have been on overdrive for about two weeks, getting worse daily. I feel like someone went into  my nose with a vacuum hose and, blocking off parts around my eyes, turn it on to “high”. The pressure is awful.

**whine wimper whine*

sneezing_xsmallI went through an entire box of Kleenex in the last 12 hours.

I need to mow my lawn and also five acres of fields. Zyrtec works somewhat but the unfortunate side effects for me are sleeplessness. The last time I took one I didn’t sleep a wink the entire next night.

I love spring.