that’s stupid

laugh

According to the magazine Cooking Light women rate drinking enough water over having sex.

When it comes to health, drinking the recommended daily amount of water is more important to women than having enough sex, according to a national survey conducted by our magazine. When asked to prioritize behaviors related to their overall health and well being, women ranked drinking enough water fifth and sex seventh on the list.”

According to the women in the survey their priorities rank in order:

  1. Getting enough sleep
  2. Keeping stress level low
  3. Finding time to relax
  4. Eating healthfully
  5. Drinking the recommended amount of water
  6. Finding time to exercise
  7. Having enough sex

Let’s look at that list again.

  1. Getting enough sleep  –Sleep AFTER sex, people! It’s the BEST sleep in the world!
  2. Keeping stress level low — Sex is a stress reliever!!!! “They call me Mellow Yellow”…..
  3. Finding time to relax — How relaxed do you feel AFTER SEX???? D’UHHH!
  4. Eating healthfully — OK, I’ll give you that one. But have you ever had a Bacon, Egg, & Cheese Biscuit after sex? OMG!
  5. Drinking the recommended amount of water – Having sex makes you thirsty. You ‘ll drink as much as you need. There’s a faucet in the bathroom!
  6. Finding time to exercise – Sex IS exercise!
  7. Having enough sex — YES! The rest will fall into place after! Move to the top of the list!
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Is this what it’s gonna be like??

My dearest friend, W. , is 9 years older than I and in the past two years has gone through several serious and life-threatening health issues. Her husband has also had a few surgeries the past few years after a lifetime of really bad habits. Now they spend half their time going from one doctor to another. Her calendar is filled with doctor appointments, lab tests, MRIs, and check-ups with one specialist after another.

Recently I re-injured a badly torn rotator cuff injury in my left shoulder while doing any one of a dozen chores around this big old farm of mine. It could have been caused by picking up huge rocks from the field or from restacking the wood pile, or perhaps moving 5-gallon gas cans around. Who knows?

Either way , the result has been that I am often brought  to tears from the wrong movement of my left arm. In the mornings I have learned that the only way to tackle the day is to get up, put the coffee on, and take a pain killer! Then maybe twenty minutes later, after a hot shower, I can hook my bra and pull up my pants without being brought to my knees from the pain.

 I have an appointment with my internist tomorrow to get the ball rolling on repairing this injury. Insurance companies have a whole series of procedures one must endure, in the proper order, in order to get anything done. So I see my internist  who will send me for x-rays and an MRI and then from there I will see an orthopedic surgeon. Having a daughter who is a physical therapist comes in handy here because she sees first-hand the work done by our local surgeons and knows who to recommend.

 Yesterday I had a follow-up visit with my gastroenterologist and today I had a check-up at my OB/Gyn’s  and tomorrow I see the internist. AAGGH!!! I am becoming like my friend! Every day filled with doctors and tests and poking and prodding and co-pays!!

 I hate getting older.

you MUST read this!!!

fat
As someone who has battled with the same 30 friggin’ pounds my whole adult life, I consider myself to be a professional dieter. BUT I read this post by Flurrious today and I realized that I have met my match if not my superior.
PLEASE go HERE and read the funniest thing you’ve ever read about dieting in your life!!!

a close call

p4240121This is my Grand-Dog, Shelby. She’s approximately 12 years-old and she’s the sweetest little roly-poly dogger you could ever ask for.

I almost killed her the other day.

My daughter came over for dinner with my almost-three-years-old grandson, Cole. She never brings Shelby but that night she did.  As I was prepping our dinner I heard “crunch, crunch, crunch” and suddenly my brain understood what it was hearing and I RAN into the other room to find Shelby scarfing down a tray of mouse poison.

I have had problems with mice in my old farmhouse and ever since I let the exterminator go I have had to deal with them myself. I placed a tray of Tomcat Mouse Bait in a little plastic tray underneath the stereo where I know my grandson would never go. Shelby must have smelled it and pulled it out from under and by the time I found her she had eaten most of the bait. And it was  a lot!

I screamed to my daughter to call the Vet  while I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of hydrogen peroxide. I then ran back to the kitchen and found my turkey baster in a drawer. I sucked up about a 1/4 cup full and holding her fat little body between my knees pried her mouth open and forced it down her throat. I kept telling her “I’m sorry, Shelby!” over and over. My daughter came back into the room and said that the Vet said to do exactly what I was already doing. Thank God I knew what to do and had the supplies on hand. In about 3 minutes the dog started to vomit and there on my kitchen floor came up the foamy undigested chunks of poison.

After she stopped for a few minutes I re-dosed her with a smaller amount of peroxide and again she vomited up a bit of the bait.

When I was fairly certain it was all out of her system I bundled her up and drove her the 17 miles to the Vet clinic where she was pronounced OK.

There was a slight chance that the poison may continue to act and the doctor said to watch for signs of bleeding but as of today the little beasty is just fine. She’s past the time for the poison to have acted so she’s perfectly sound.

Look at this face.  I am so glad she is still with us.p4240123

verily i vociferate

This morning, after having eaten nothing since Monday evening, and drinking 8.3 oz. of Miralax in every conceivable clear liquid along with 4, count ’em , FOUR Dulcolax tablets yesterday, then nothing at all after midnight and after having spent 2/3 of Tuesday hunched on a toilet bowl praying for death (or Thursday) I arrived at the offices of my two dear gastroenterologists.

rectal2I was instructed to arrive by 8:00 a.m. for “the procedure” at 8:30. When I arrived there was no one at the reception window so my SIL (bless his heart) and I stood there until this squawky voice called from an adjoining room “Be right with ya!”

As the lovely lady (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) made her way towards the window I smiled and said “Good morning!”. I was ignored. She took my paperwork without a word and asked me “So,you’re here for a colonoscopy. Did the stuff work?”

What? “the stuff“? OH!!! “Yes, thank you, it worked.” I said. My SIL took a couple of steps back.

She came around the corner and said “Follow me”. I turned to SIL and said ” Go on. Get out of here, I’ll call you when I’m done” and he scooted out the door! She took me to her little corner cubbie and attached a heart monitor and a blood pressure cuff then proceeded to squint and peck at her computer while the machine attached to my tubes and wires tried its best to cause complete blood loss to that limb.

I watched her silently pecking, looking…pecking…watching, waiting…for what seemed like hours. OK, it was about 15 minutes but it felt longer because my left hand was dead blue in color and my heart rate was jumping all over the place. Finally she asked me the same questions that I had answered on the papers I was told to bring AND the same questions this office had had their PA ask me three weeks ago. No, I do not take any medications. No I am not allergic to anything. No, I am not diabetic!! For God’s sake woman! Can’t any of you read????

Finally she stood and directed me down the hall to the prep area. Five women I assume were nurses ( Nurses are evidently NOT gonna wear white, dammit!)  stopped and watched me enter the room. Not one smiled or said a word to me. I was instructed by my  lovely (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) lady to remove my clothes and put on the handkerchief “with the ties in the back”.

Suddenly I became aware that the nurses had regained their voices. A multitude of sounds approximating the sounds of hens clucking and scratching assaulted my ears and the ears of everyone in the room.

“So I said to her ‘ I am NOT gonna take my day off to drive him to the dentist. He can get Marie to do it!” and ” Oh, you shouldn’t have to!” “Where are the bagels? I know there were half a dozen here this morning!”  “He can just go fly a kite! I am not his little servant girl!” “They want me to fill in AGAIN for Dotty on Friday!” ” Is this coffee fresh?”

Now here’s the part of the blog where I’m supposed to stop and say that I have a tremendous respect for nurses, which I do. I am supposed to say that they soothed my brow and made  me feel cared for and that theirs is a difficult job and so on and so forth.  Well, today I was not impressed. This rant is about me and my experience today so if you are a nurse, or you’re married to a nurse or you have a relative who is a nurse, please don’t go all  ballistic and start the flames, OK?

Finally one of the less hunched of the quintet made her way to my cubicle and began to ask me AGAIN “Are you allergic to anything? Do you have diabetes? Did you eat anything this morning?” She told me about the storm she witnessed last night as if I don’t live in the area and I didn’t experience the same thunderstorm. She rattled on about how she has a chain saw but her nephew says she shouldn’t use it because it’s too dangerous but will he bring his sorry ass over to clean up the branches that fell last night..oh no he won’t! All the while she is poking me with an IV needle. Holy Mother of God! She is jabbing that thing like she’s sewing up a Christmas turkey’s ass! “Sorry. I bruised the vein a little there…wait…oh, good, I think it’s in…oops, nope! Ahh……there we go.”

 I watched the male anesthesiologist roll his eyes while waiting his turn to talk to me. He whispered in my ear after she had gone “I’m sorry about that.”

I didn’t feel great about being a woman in that room of women right then. Hell, I didn’t feel great….period.

When I woke up after the procedure one of the hens…I mean nurses, came over to see if I was alive. I assured her that I was and I said “There’s something wet down here by my butt” and she laughed and said “Don’t worry about it. Everybody says that!” When she left I used my IV hand to reach down to my hip and I felt something on the mattress. Grasping it as well as I could I pulled it out and it was a plastic cup!  I must have made a noise because the nurse came back and said “OH!  That’s an irrigation cup! It spilled all over your bed!”  NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!!! story

 Let me tell you, I was never so glad for the doctor to pronounce me fit to go home about ten minutes later. Two polyps removed  and the doctor’s pronouncement that they didn’t appear to be cancerous (but they will be biopsied to make sure) and I was outa there! Two years of freedom from the fear of death- by- colon -cancer for me and a few thousand buckaroos for the doctor! It’s a win/win!

the sun warms me

discoveryI pray for the warmth of spring and the chance to be outside daily. I do not like cold weather or snow or windy skies. I like warm, sun, temperatures above 70 degrees and my deck and my gardens and my ponds.

Last year I learned how to hoop dance, thanks to Safire, an on-line instructor/ hoop dancing goddess.

This is her newest video. She inspires me. If you like what you see, I highly recommend viewing her tutorials. Thanks to Safire I learned to do the tricks and have since learned to make my own hoops. I have given away more than two dozen of them to people who show an interest. Last year after the Park Avenue Festival in Rochester , NY  D’Bear’s neighbors had their annual Park Ave. backyard party and I taught several people there to hoop dance. We had a few drinks and by midnight there were takers for every one of the 8 hoops I made to give away!

 See if this doesn’t inspire you!

ps. : this is great exercise!!! If I want to be able to wear that cute little French Maid outfit for D’Bear I need to be hoop dancing every day!! Hurry up, sunshine! It’s hard to hoop dance indoors!!

who you calling paranoid?

Birdpress took one of these on line personality test that determine your mental health. Hers was quite intimidating..to her. For those of us who know and love her, well.. we know and love her.  She’s NOT nuts! She’s awesome!

 But curiosity got the better of me so I went over there and took the test and here are my results:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid Disorder: High
Schizoid Disorder: Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder: Very High
Antisocial Disorder: Low
Borderline Disorder: Low
Histrionic Disorder: High
Narcissistic Disorder: Very High
Avoidant Disorder: Low
Dependent Disorder: High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Moderate
 

Sheesh!! No wonder poor little Birdpress was worried. It seems I am a Paranoid, Schizotypal, Histrionic, Dependent with moderate OCD!!

 Fuck ’em. That’s what makes me interesting!! LOL

Thank you, Birdpress!

I left the post of Birdpress the other day feeling re-motivated and inspired !

She is so smart about food and health that after reading her article about HAES (Health At Every Size) I decided to get out my trusty cooking class notes and find all those recipes I used to teach whenever I was asked to do a Light Cooking class.  The requests usually started coming in around January, after the gluttony of Christmas and Thanksgiving had passed and we all crawled into sweats because our clothes were too tight!

I would come up with recipes or modify others to create menus that would fill the tummy but leave the waistline unaltered. The trend then was for low-fat so most of them fall into that category. I still use many of these recipes and they’ve become staples at my house so I will share a few of my favorites for those of you looking for good, wholesome, healthy food to make for your families.

One of the most requested is my Spicy Pork and Black Bean Burritos. Not only are they low in fat, but once you make “re-fried” beans this way you’ll never go back to those fat-laden traditional ones again. They’re that good!

blackbeanspork_tenderloin

Spicy Pork and Black Bean Burritos

1 pork tenderloin, trimmed,  cut into bite-sized pieces ( about 1 lb.)

3 tbsp. good quality chili powder (I like Penzey’s Spices!)

2 tsp. vegetable oil

1 small can chopped green chilis

1 small can diced tomatoes

2 cans of black beans, rinsed well and drained

1 can low-fat chicken stock

Flour tortillas ( whole wheat ones  are good but I still like the regular)

Optional but recommended:

grated cheddar cheese

low-fat (not non-fat!) sour cream

Taco sauce

Combine the pork and chili powder and refrigerate (or freeze for future use!) for one hour.

Meanwhile in a medium-sized saucepan combine the drained black beans and chicken stock. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to medium-low. Do not cover. Stir occasionally. When the broth is reduced to approximately 1/4  (about 15-20 minutes) mash the beans with a hand-held potato  masher . They should be thick and will continue to thicken as they cool somewhat. Keep warm.

In a skillet, brown the meat in the oil, stirring constantly so the spices do not burn. When browned add the chilis and tomatoes and reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for 6-8 minutes. Meat should be coated well with the sauce, not runny.

Warm the tortillas in the oven by wrapping them first in heavy-duty aluminum foil and baking in a 350 degree oven for 5 minutes.

To serve, place a portion of black beans down the middle of the warm tortilla. Add a few spoonsful of the spicy pork, and the optional ingredients as desired. Fold and ENJOY!

This recipe is very adaptable! You may increase or decrease the amounts of the spices and condiments. You can use chicken instead of pork (not as tasty). If you like more beans than this provides,  increase to 3 cans of beans but you can still use only 1 can of broth to do the job.

Let me know if you try this. It is a hit with everyone I serve it to!

Happy Healthy eating! And another round of applause to Birdpress for reminding us to Eat for Health!

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Edit note-

I originally said I couldn’t find whole wheat tortillas but with the help of my readers I found them! 😀

!

Diet Update

Three weeks into my diet and …may I have a drum roll, please……I’ve lost 12 pounds!!!  TA DA!!!

My clothes actually have become comfortable! My jeans do not make me cry when I sit down in them! I have learned to LOVE green salads, EggBeaters, poached chicken and bananas.

Yes, I eat bananas every day now since reading about the Japanese Banana Diet . I don’t follow the rules to it though because I MUST have my coffee in the morning. It simply feeds me enough that I don’t crave other foods throughout the day. Go figure!

 I just thought I would let you know I haven’t fallen off the diet wagon…yet. And Birdpress , my little chickadee, is just full of helpful dieting tips. She’s really more about eating healthy but she keeps those calories in check imaginatively , too! Unfortunately she inherited my tendency towards plumpness but she is amazingly disciplined and conscientious about keeping herself fit and looking bee-you-tee-full!

 She suggested some good eating to me just this morning. She suggests I get Boca “Bruschetta” burgers and eat them on sprouted grain bread. Ooo, that sounds really yummy!          Seriously!!             Stop laughing!   I mean it!!hungry