suck sucky suck suck

cheap-fun-wineYeah, I’m pissed. And depressed.

I’m 55 years-old, smart, reasonably attractive, and fairly well-liked! I dress well, speak well, and I have SKILZ, baby!

If I were younger I would consider making an offer to sleep my way into a job.  I’d also take pictures and blackmail their asses but still….money is money.

On Friday, three days ago my daughter called me from work to tell me that one of her patients mentioned that a job had just opened for a Marketing Director at a nearby assisted living facility. She suggested that I would be ideal for the job and since I had “insider” information I might be able to beat the crowds looking for work there. It was too late to get my resume out to them by that time so first thing this morning, Monday, I called them to ask for an appointment and was told the position had already been filled.  WTF?

So I have decided that if I live frugally enough I may be able to make it through till I sell this place, collect Social Security (HA!), and maybe have something left over in my annuity to keep me from having to ask my kids to let me live with them.

So here are some ideas I have to save money:

I plan to unplug my clocks while I sleep. 

I will only eat whatever is on sale, and I will only buy what I know I will consume. In the past I have been rather wasteful. I have been known to buy items and then they sat in the freezer or produce bins until they were no longer edible. This spring I tossed some freezer burned edemame, chicken livers, a roast of dubious origins, several bags of Tater Tots , and a 4 lb. chunk of frozen Velveeta over the bank in the back field.  NO MORE! I also intend to start that diet. I think I can probably hibernate on these extra 20  40 lbs. I carry.

Two-ply toilet paper and paper towels? No more. Any remaining two-ply items will summarily be separated into single-ply and used thusly. By reducing my food intake (see above)  I will dramatically cut down on my own “solid-wastes” anyway!

I will get used to wearing a winter coat while in my house. My down comforter will substitute at night. Thermostats will be kept at 55 degrees.  I apologize to anyone visiting me but be forewarned to dress appropriately when coming by.

Coupons. I hate ’em. I will now use them.

Consignment clothing is chic, no? I may look retro-fashionable from now on (otherwise known as “the bag lady look”).

dress made from ramen noodles packages

dress made from ramen noodles packages

Mineral make-up is expensive but I love it. BareMinerals is my cosmetic of choice but perhaps some good old Pennsylvania dirt would work as well. It is, after all, mostly minerals! And it will work so well with the retro fashions I intend to adopt! Perhaps if I sterilize it in the microwave first…..

Siphoning gas from my ex’s vehicles will save me on gasoline bills for my car. Hey! Who asked him to build a house right across from me anyway?

If anyone would like to contribute suggestions on ways that I can save more money please comment and I will take them under consideration. If anyone would like to donate to my retirement fund…. I will adopt you. I could use the tax write-off of a dependent.

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keep breathing

woman-and-crows

It seems that many of my friends and I are going through a period of , maybe not quite depression, but a deep feeling of sorrow.

I am not sure what’s going on but I suspect there are lots of reasons. Some of us are having trouble making ends meet.  Some of us are tired of feeling like we’re less than the most important thing in our partner’s life. Some of us want to grow, to learn, to see ourselves in a whole new light and don’t know how to make a change.  Some of us are in pain, real pain, physical pain. Some of us are suffering a loss. And some of us just got thrown a pile of shit.

I feel it, too. I shouldn’t. I’m in the best and healthiest relationship of my life. I feel loved for who I am finally.I have a man in my life whom I adore and who adores me and treats me with the utmost love and respect.  That should count for more than enough to mitigate any negative feelings I have. But it doesn’t.

Some days I wake up and think “oh, ..great.. another day. the same as yesterday…joy..”

Partly the factors I listed above have a part in this negative mood. I lost a shitload  last year in retirement money I had socked away. Every day seems to bring a new financial challenge: a leaky roof, a mechanical problem with the old car,  a new medical ailment, etc. 

 Partly it’s a feeling of frustration over my lack of direction and meaning in my life. For the first time in 55 years I have no  one to wake up for in the morning who needs me in a real sense. No one who wants me to make them a good hot breakfast or who needs me to do a job that only I can do that day. I don’t earn a paycheck anymore. That makes a big difference to me. I see the numbers on a paycheck and I feel like the hours of the past week meant something…or not, if the numbers are too low.

I eat too much , I drink too much, I want to sleep too much when I feel like this. I know it will pass.

That’s what having lived a hard life taught me; life has ever-changing waves of highs and lows. No one is immune.  It’s the way of LIFE. No one promised me a rose garden. I got one though.

If you’ve ever raised roses you know what I mean. Roses are beautiful, to be sure, but they are not easy to grow. They require lots of maintenance: pruning,watering,  feeding, deadheading, mulching, insecticides, and preparations to control mildews. They get eaten by deer, rabbits and other herbivores. They die if the temperatures drop too low. Sometimes they simply die for no known reason!

 But OH! When they bloom! The make your heart SING they are so beautiful! And then we accept compliments and congratulations for this miraculous thing of beauty when we know in our hearts that we are only the caretakers, not the Creator.

 So tomorrow I will see sunshine even through the rain. I know it’s there beyond the clouds.

This song by Ingrid Michaelson pretty well sums up my mood right now.

 

who you calling paranoid?

Birdpress took one of these on line personality test that determine your mental health. Hers was quite intimidating..to her. For those of us who know and love her, well.. we know and love her.  She’s NOT nuts! She’s awesome!

 But curiosity got the better of me so I went over there and took the test and here are my results:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid Disorder: High
Schizoid Disorder: Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder: Very High
Antisocial Disorder: Low
Borderline Disorder: Low
Histrionic Disorder: High
Narcissistic Disorder: Very High
Avoidant Disorder: Low
Dependent Disorder: High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Moderate
 

Sheesh!! No wonder poor little Birdpress was worried. It seems I am a Paranoid, Schizotypal, Histrionic, Dependent with moderate OCD!!

 Fuck ’em. That’s what makes me interesting!! LOL

Fed Up

 I started watching the presidential debate tonight but after  15 minutes of it I turned it off, fed up and disgruntled. I looked up the definition of the word disgruntled

adjective-

displeased and discontented; sulky; peevish:  grouchy, testy, sullen, grumpy, dissatisfied.

 

 

That’s me, to  a tee!  I got my account statement from one of my investment groups and it chilled me to the bone. I lost what is to me a huge amount of money in ONE fucking month! The money I lost could have supported me for over half a year! AGGH! 

Why did we all work so hard and sock away money for our old age if this is our reward? Last year- YES! last year all the financial advisors were still saying “Put your money in IRAs and retirement accounts. Don’t spend all your income on today! Plan for tomorrow!” Bullshit! I should gone on a freakin’ round-the-world cruise, for cryin’ out loud!

  Obama and McCain were verbally wrestling and pointing fingers and swearing that they were the salvation of America BUT they would NOT offer a solution to the economic problems facing us all. They can’t. This is bigger than they are. This mess is so stinkin’ nasty our government can’t fix it. That, I believe, folks, is the truth and it scares me half to death.

 Here, Kitty Kitty!!!  Mama needs some o’ that Nine Lives! It might be dinner pretty soon!

Shit, I’m pissed.

Death of a Dove

Sometimes the best intentions go awry.

   Last evening I was worried that the rain and chill would be harmful to my new little dove friend so I brought the cage inside and covered it with an old tablecloth like we used to do for the kids’ parakeet at night. It was doing well, I thought. There was evidence that it had tried eating since there was birdseed scattered about the floor of the cage and some bird poop there as well indicating it was “evacuating” in a healthy way. All good.

  I said good night to the pretty white dove and went to bed anticipating seeing it well and happy in the morning. Alas, it must have been sicker than I thought or injured in some way I didn’t realize.

 When I came downstairs this morning I called out a “good morning, little bird!” and pulled the cover off the cage and I saw he was dead.

  I never really used to get emotional about some animals deaths. My dogs, yes! Definitely. Some of the cats but not the barn cats since that was the natural order of things there. Cattle came and went as did some other farm animals and you learn not to get emotionally attached. You can’t as it is a business as well as a lifestyle. Too much involvement would make you nuts.

  Yesterday was a really bad day up until I found the pretty white dove. I drove the three hours home from D.’s house in Rochester after spending an entire week with him to come home to take care of all the details of my other life, the one where I take care of this big old farm and am going through a divorce.  I hate leaving him. I feel so alone when I walk into that cold, empty house of mine.

  Later that day my STBE (Soon-to-be-Ex) got in a yelling match with me in the parking lot of our building in town when he informed me that he was reneging on our agreement regarding some of the financial arrangements we’d made. I told him I’d had enough and would see him in court. Actually I yelled that at him as I spun the tires out of the parking lot in my Subaru (NOT an easy thing to do with an 8-year-old Forester!)

  I went home feeling like sh*t and that’s when I found my little dove. Holding that dove felt good and nurturing and I liked that .

  I am sad.

 I guess it wasn’t my good luck sign. It wasn’t good luck for the bird, that’s for sure. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to care for it at all  since so much sucks in my life right now.

  Poor dove.

Movin’ On

    I met with an attorney  yesterday. I feel like  I’m cheating. My soon-to-be-ex ( from here on to be referred to as STBE) doesn’t know I am seeing a lawyer about our divorce. He keeps expressing the phrase “we don’t need lawyers taking all our hard earned money over this. We can iron it out ourselves“. (hear his Brooklyn accent)

   The thing is,  he gave me this ludicrous financial proposal that basically says he gets to keep everything of value except the house, which I then cannot afford to keep because it’s horrificly expensive to maintain, and then if I sell it he gets 10% of the sale price!! Which would pretty much reimburse him for any monies he may have to pay in alimony.

  I always thought alimony was for bullshit,  slug-ass , money grubbing gold-diggers but I have a whole new appreciation  for women who get it.

   For thirty years I seriously supported my STBE in every business venture his cackamamie-ness could come up with. He wanted to be a dairy-freakin’-farmer? I learned how to milk cows and do artificial insemination. He wanted to move the  cutlery rental business to town?  I renovated the new  building for him and put in 50 hours a week to get it off the ground while he did deliveries.  He wanted to drive to Minneapolis with his 1934 classic car to a fancy car show? I ran things and took care of the kids while he took home trophies for owning an expensive automobile. I also did all the housework and 90% of the yard work. Occasionally, if he wasn’t too busy with his antique car clubs he would sit on the lawn tractor and mow something. I cooked every meal, washed every dish and every bit of laundry , and made sure his daughters got into college without getting pregnant along the way.

  I sound bitter. I try not to do that. I was doing pretty well until  recently.

  I got tired. He got tired. He moved out. He moved in with his girlfriend. They  bought a house together.

  I want my half. I don’t want to wonder when I am 70-years-old whether I have enough food for the week. I don’t want to have to move in with my daughter to make it through the winter without freezing to death. I want half. No more, no less.

  He wants to “give ” me what  amounts to a pittance.

   My  attorney took one look at the financial proposal  my STBE handed me and he LAUGHED!  I think I love this guy.

  It’s so great to have an advocate to say the things I dont have the ovaries to say to said STBE!

February Has 87 Days

 My head hurts like some dumb-ass teenager has cranked up the bass too loud and the speakers are thumping so hard my temples are ready to blow. My nose is pouring out so much snot that I need to have one hand constantly holding a tissue to my nostrils. I sneezed so much today my eyes feel like they’re ready to fall out.

I have a cold.

I walked out to the burn barrel carrying so much paper garbage I needed two hands to hold it all. Before I got there the wind blew a rope of snot out over the side of my face !

I wanted to work on cleaning out the attic but that’s not gonna happen.

I feel drained, physically and emotionally. My boyfriend didn’t get the job he interviewed for last week. He was so hopeful and really thought this time he had it but today he found out that they went with another applicant. He’s getting seriously depressed and I feel terrible knowing there’s nothing I can do to help (other than a BJ and since I’m here and not there, that cannot happen right now.)

 I hate February.

It’s a Bad Day

    I got up as usual this morning, made coffee, took a good piss, brushed my teeth. I took my coffee upstairs to my computer, as usual, and IM-ed  my sweet bear D. We poke each other first on IM and then he calls me so we start off the morning hearing each other’s voice. It’s sweet.

     I don’t know why but last night and this morning he is just , well,  making me crazy.

     I feel like he isn’t listening to anything I say. He can just chat away and I am attentive as hell, regardless of the subject matter. Often he goes off on a monologue about political issues of which I know very little and I ask questions and interject approving comments at appropriate times so as to remain in the mostly one-sided conversation. But if I make a lengthy  comment I am met with a long silence. Then he changes the subject. What the heck is that all about?

      Last night he kept me on the phone while he downloaded stuff, played with the feeds, randomly commented on things that popped up on his screen, as if I wasn’t sitting there on the phone in silence waiting for him to remember I was there.

     This morning he directed me to a fetish link he knew I would like. When I went there I found a picture of a little girl and a bear that I knew he’d get a kick out of so I told him I was sending it to him in an email. He said “don’t send it to me. Just send me the link.”

     Fuck it. I closed it down. He said “what? I’m waiting.” I told him to forget it. He said “so now you’re mad.” I said “no, I’m not mad.” and I wasn’t. I was a little hurt and annoyed but not mad. Maybe I should have been.

     Later, he was making a remark about the Primary elections in Washington and I said something about I thought Obama took Washington. He said, sarcastically as hell ” there is a Republican Primary and then there is a Democratic Primary. I was referring to the Republican one.”

     Well, fucking excuse me.

     Now I am depressed. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. (We live three hours apart.) I am stuck here alone in this big house while the damned snow howls outside. The roads are covered in snow and I don’t feel like driving  the 16-mile round trip to get into town to get my Sunday NY Times and groceries like I planned. I feel like crying.

    Maybe I really am just depressed. My ex is giving me a hard time. Now D. is being weird.   Somedays  he’s UP and some days he’s down and I never know which it will be. I’ve portrayed myself to him as this paragon of strength and sane stability. Maybe I was wrong.  I felt he needed me to be solid and stable, probably because I know how unstable his ex was.  I didn’t think it was me playing a part. It’s who I like to believe I really am.

     Today I don’t know.