the good, the bad, and the snuggly (no, not the damn blanket!)

The weather sucks.

It really does. It’s 42 degrees outside and not much warmer inside, as far as I can tell. D’Bear keeps the heat off until icicles form on the computer screens. Hey, it is his house to do with as he sees fit. Oh, he tells me to turn the heat up but I know he hates it…so I don’t.

stanleyclarkeI am here in NY since last Friday. We went to see Chick Corea, Stanley Clarke, and Lenny White play their amazing jazz in Buffalo at the University of Buffalo Center for the Arts.  I am learning to love jazz. I never thought I would!  Stanley Clark practically f*cked that bass, I swear! He made love to it and made it sing in ways I never knew a bass could sound. He strummed it, plucked it, beat the strings, drummed on the body, fluttered his hand over it like he was literally making love to it! Oh. My. Gosh.

Today is the 7th day in a row with no sunshine. I can’t take much more of this.

I considered going to Rochester Works , the NY State -run employment agency to look for a job here in Rochester. I changed my mind. I need a job. I do. Money is draining through my fingers way too fast. My savings are not going to be able to withstand the kinds of hits they took this past year again unless I can somehow bolster them up with some moolah this year.

My prospects aren’t that good back in Pennsylvania. The economy sucks there like in many small towns. The few manufacturing jobs they once had have long since dried up. Car dealers folded. No one is growing larger, business-wise. My marketable skills are … well, let’s say I fit a niche market, shall we? It sounds better than saying I am practically unemployable at 55 years-old.

Oh, I am smart, reasonably attractive, willing to work, and easy to train but let’s face it. McDonald’s doesn’t really care if I keep my nails nice and ran my own business for 12 years, right?

The job market is considerably better here in Rochester BUT, and here’s the rub, I live in PA! All my contacts, my “stuff” is till there, in PA.  My bank, my mechanic, my house, my daughter and her family, my art studio, my junk… all are there.  If I didn’t have my house there it would be different, but I do. Until D’Bear and I make other arrangements that’s the way it’s going to be.

I don’t want to get married. I want to live, love, laugh, and enjoy the years left without the legal shit. I want to be with D’Bear simply and truly because I love him. No other reason.

He found out this week that his contract job is coming to a close shortly, like in one to three weeks. That means he will be looking for the  next job, feeling the financial strain of living on savings and unemployment until the next gig comes along. Sometimes he gets cranky as shit and I have to put up with his moods and he tells me it’s because he is unemployed. Ahhem… helllooo!!! So am I!

I want to work, too. I just don’t feel like being degraded in the workplace by slinging burgers or emptying bedpans, or smiling at dumbass customers at Home Depot for a few measly bucks a week. I don’t mean to imply that there is anything wrong with doing those jobs but I won’t go there. I am 55 years-old, and I deserve want to work in a place which respects the workers with a fair wage. And I will NOT work every damn Saturday!  I worked every Saturday for over ten years when I had my business and I will NOT do that again.

mcdonalds1Call me what you will.  I am not a prima donna. I am a damned hard worker. With me , you get 150%, but only if you grant me respect. Otherwise I’m outa there. I have watched pimply-faced 19-year-old boys in management at fast food places ,bossing around women twice their age, with sneers in their voices as though the women had no feelings.   I have seen the callousness of nursing home owners when speaking to the nurses’ aides.  I have heard the stories of the retail workers at that DIY place and I can’t imagine working there for very long.

So I am at a loss.

I’m going to sit here and figure it out. One way or another.

Hell, Cougar Town is taped! I can watch that! Noo, maybe not. I don’t need another media message telling me I should look like Courtney Cox in 4-inch heels.

Fuzzy slippers and a sweatshirt maybe.

OH! Here’s another thing! (You thought this damned long blog was finally coming to a close, didn’t you? HA!) After two years together, I am finally coming to the conclusion that I try too damned hard OR he-who-will-not-be-named needs to step his game up. I do not greet him after he comes home from work wearing sweat pants and a hoody. I smell good. I look good. I am cheerful. FUCK! I am practically June-Fucking-Cleaver!cleaverish He looks good when he goes to work. On weekends he wears cargo shorts and Tshirts. What happened to the nice pressed, button-down shirts and the neat jeans? When did wearing cologne become only for workdays? Hmm?

What happened to the sexy talk? When did sleeping- in become sleeping? When did saying “You look beautiful ” become a thing of the past? Where did the occasional love notes or flowers or kisses-for-no-reason go?

Every time I leave NY to drive home…EVERY TIME! … I write him a love note or letter or paint him a picture and leave it somewhere for him to find when I am gone. It’s become a game with us. As soon as he gets home he looks for it. Sometimes it’s somewhere obvious like on the bed. Sometimes I leave it a little hidden so he has to look for it. But I ALWAYS do it.

I am still waiting to find one from him.

Now, in all fairness, he does some wonderful and loving things. He does. He tells me he loves me pretty often. He is a thoughtful and considerate lover. He takes good care of me in so many ways. I am a bitch to complain.

I know he loves me. That’s not it. I am just tired of being the one to make all the effort here.


I love ’em.

9 comments on “the good, the bad, and the snuggly (no, not the damn blanket!)

  1. i love men, too, but damn! they feel like a curse or an addiction sometimes.

    i am having similar trouble finding work. The thing is, i’ve have varied skills, worked in many different types of businesses that do not go together like credit reporting and cake decorating. i was once a Sunday School teacher but also a book store manager. i don’t know how to make the field hopping work for me.

    i wish you the best of luck! i know some wise person will see your power and skills and snatch you right up!

    c.- Men ARE both curses and addictions!! YES! You and I have so much in common. I have done so many different jobs: retail store owner, retail worker, dairy farmer, housekeeper, artist (hardly qualifies but I have earned some good money there), factory worker, and for a short while a home health care aide.

    I don’t know how to apply this crapload of skill sets to the current job market either! Good luck to you AND to me! That last line, c., I have to say “From your mouth to God’s ear!” 😆

  2. When you find your job see if they have a part-time spot for me! I have been trying to find a part-time job for almost 2 years now! I worked 20 years in Fast Food 13 in the stores and 7 years doing in the main office doing the accounting. I have a family now and I don’t want to work weekends. I want a job from 8-2 and I don’t want to smell like fries again!

    Men ~ Can’t live with ’em and can’t live without ’em!

    Just a Mom- Now see… I am not alone! YES! I am even willing to work nights but Lord, please, do NOT let me smell like fries when I get home! And while we’re at it, Lord, 20 bucks an hour would be nice, too!! LMAO!

  3. Good luck on the work front. Nothing wrong with wanting a little better for yourself.

    I had to laugh about the icicles. I run much colder than hubs and we are constantly at odds over air conditioning, blankets on the bed etc.

    I find with men you have to spell * it * out, they seem to have missed out on the mind reading genes 😉

    Hay- You are warmer than your hubster?? I AM impressed! Most women run colder! I am always freezing in the fall and winter months ( and most of spring, too, come to think about it).

    And you are correct about spelling things out for men but doncha just get tired of doing that sometimes? I know I do. I mean, these are smart guys!! WTF? Ya don;t need mind-reading genes to give a compliment once in a while or, Heaven forbid, write a love letter!! Heck a love note would be great . Something along the lines of “Geez, Babe, I really like ya!” or “You make me hot” would be nice! LOL

  4. Good luck Trisha. I loved reading this. I can relate about the whole job deal. It sucks getting old. I don’t want to smell like fries either but would like to work on most days.

    Men, ya, you can’t shoot em.

    Joy- Thanks, sweet thang! It’s so good to just throw this stuff out there and have validation. Like I am not totally psycho or something!! LOL

  5. I wonder if Stanley Clarke would like to hit this shit? He sounds AMAZING! I got horny just reading your description! LOL.

    About the job…. I know so many people in the same boat – I will send up good thoughts for you and d’Bear – wanting to be respected doesn’t make you a prima donna. When I say or write I will send up good thoughts, that’s exactly what I will do as I lay my head down on my pillow.

    Can I get an “Amen” on the “I don’t need another media message telling me I should look like Courtney Cox in 4-inch heels.” – How many fucking cougars look like that? It’s just rih-donk-ulous!

    Lastly, I would say about d’Bear and his “showing of affections” – you tell him he better step it up or else! You are not one to be taken for granted. Although, I really don’t think he is taking you for granted, he’s just a MAN after all – and men are just REALLY FUCKING STUPID sometimes.

    Girl, I could write a novel here. I’ll bet ‘cha something… d’Bear might not say it as often as you like, but when he tells you that he loves you, it’s coming from his heart and he means it. I don’t you are a bitch. I think we all have needs and when they don’t get met *just the way we envision them* we get a little disappointed. That’s just real life stuff happening, and it’s normal. Men, they really are just sooooooooooooooooooooooo stupid at times.

    Here’s where you’re going to think I’m a bitch. Last week *S bought me some perfume as a surprise. I “acted” very happy because he did it from his heart but I DON’T WANT/NEED PERFUME! I JUST WANT LOVE. WE ARE BROKE, PERFUME COSTS MONEY THAT WE DONT HAVE- LOVE IS FREE – DUH!” That’s what I was thinking. We all have different needs. To some women, material possessions would be a total bonus. To me, it pisses me off. We are both working our asses off, for what? Perfume? …. stupid because all he has to do is whisper sweet nothings and that would make me 1,000 times happier than any perfume, and it’s free. So, yes,… even the good ones are just dumb as rocks sometimes. But, I love you! xoxoxox

    Mabel- Have I told you lately that I love you? heehee See? It’s not so hard to do, guys!!!! Oh, my gosh, Mabel, you are my soul sister!That was an award-winning comment!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you for reading my long tirade and making me feel ok about it. I almost deleted it because I oftentimes reread these things I write and think of them as whining. It’s just nice to hear from my friends that it’s alright to feel the way I do. We all go through shit, ya know?
    Anyway, you are DA BEST!

  6. I gotta agree with all the ‘men are dumb fucks sometimes” comments LOL

    I really have had to learn to tell Rob what I want, cos if I don’t then I really have no one to blame for my disappointment except myself.

    good luck with the job hunt

    oh and I run hotter than my hubby too. I’m sitting here in our living room at the moment in pj bottoms and a singlet top, he’s wearing trackpants, polo shirt, a jumper and has his socks on. BUT when I do get cold, I’m harder to warm up. Go figure!

    Mistress B.- I know, telling him is the right way to go but I feel stupid asking him to be romantic. Like you either are or you aren’t. “Please tell me you love me in your sexy voice” LMAO!!!! Oh, well, I’ll get over it.

    Thanks for the good wishes as to the job hunt thing. I should be able to find something seasonal at least for the winter. I am totally doing that “Imagine your future/power of positive thinking thing!!

    Weird how some women run hot, while so many of us always feel the cold. I wish I ran hot , but only in the winter time!! LOL

  7. Maybe if you forgot to leave him a note once, he’d understand where you are coming from.

    I think you are looking at McDonald’s all wrong. I love places like that. I call them “disposable jobs.” You only have to work there for as long as you feel like working there. One little pissant annoys you, you can choose to quit. Without notice. And you never have to use those jobs on a real resume either, if you choose to burn the bridge when you quit (or rather, douse the bridge with gasoline, fire bomb it and then take a huge crap on it). You don’t have to feel bad about it, because if they wanted to lower their turn over rate, they would pay more because they certainly can afford too. McD’s is a billion dollar business. It can even be fun sometimes, and you always have something to do, so you get a sense of accomplishment, and the time goes by quickly.

    And this is the time of year when a lot of retailers are hiring temporary employees, not just fast food places. Like, our Bath and Body Works is hiring, that’s a place I wouldn’t mind working myself. Lots of those places give employee discounts, which would help if you regularly shop there anyway. We have an Amazon warehouse near hear, and they hire a lot of temps around Xmas. We also have a lot of those “halloween only” stores, that might be a fun job to work for a month, and if you hate it, it only lasts a month, but you would bolster your savings a little, to help last until you find something you like.

    Auntie- Ya know, for a BaconLover, you make a lot of sense!!! LOL
    I worked at a Hardy’s Hamburger joint down in South Carolina many years ago and you’re right. It wasn’t half bad as jobs go. I have definitely had worse jobs! Unfortunately it left me hating burgers and fries for a long time!! Hey, wait… maybe that’s not a bad thing!!! 😆
    You really gave me some great advice, Auntie!! MMWAAAA! And a hug to go with!!

  8. I love Cougar Town. Since I joined the courgar ranks myself recently I just had to watch it. As for the cold it was 37 here the other night and I had to turn the heat on. I try to wait as long as I can but the chattering teeth woke up the dog. At least you have someone to keep you warm like that.

    Sunnymom- well, as for liking Cougar Town… to each her own!! LOL

    It is freezing here tonight but there is a full moon and I got the woodstove going so I don’t mind too much at th moment. I will be missing my Bear till I go back north though! He keeps me snug as a bug!

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