verily i vociferate

This morning, after having eaten nothing since Monday evening, and drinking 8.3 oz. of Miralax in every conceivable clear liquid along with 4, count ’em , FOUR Dulcolax tablets yesterday, then nothing at all after midnight and after having spent 2/3 of Tuesday hunched on a toilet bowl praying for death (or Thursday) I arrived at the offices of my two dear gastroenterologists.

rectal2I was instructed to arrive by 8:00 a.m. for “the procedure” at 8:30. When I arrived there was no one at the reception window so my SIL (bless his heart) and I stood there until this squawky voice called from an adjoining room “Be right with ya!”

As the lovely lady (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) made her way towards the window I smiled and said “Good morning!”. I was ignored. She took my paperwork without a word and asked me “So,you’re here for a colonoscopy. Did the stuff work?”

What? “the stuff“? OH!!! “Yes, thank you, it worked.” I said. My SIL took a couple of steps back.

She came around the corner and said “Follow me”. I turned to SIL and said ” Go on. Get out of here, I’ll call you when I’m done” and he scooted out the door! She took me to her little corner cubbie and attached a heart monitor and a blood pressure cuff then proceeded to squint and peck at her computer while the machine attached to my tubes and wires tried its best to cause complete blood loss to that limb.

I watched her silently pecking, looking…pecking…watching, waiting…for what seemed like hours. OK, it was about 15 minutes but it felt longer because my left hand was dead blue in color and my heart rate was jumping all over the place. Finally she asked me the same questions that I had answered on the papers I was told to bring AND the same questions this office had had their PA ask me three weeks ago. No, I do not take any medications. No I am not allergic to anything. No, I am not diabetic!! For God’s sake woman! Can’t any of you read????

Finally she stood and directed me down the hall to the prep area. Five women I assume were nurses ( Nurses are evidently NOT gonna wear white, dammit!)  stopped and watched me enter the room. Not one smiled or said a word to me. I was instructed by my  lovely (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) lady to remove my clothes and put on the handkerchief “with the ties in the back”.

Suddenly I became aware that the nurses had regained their voices. A multitude of sounds approximating the sounds of hens clucking and scratching assaulted my ears and the ears of everyone in the room.

“So I said to her ‘ I am NOT gonna take my day off to drive him to the dentist. He can get Marie to do it!” and ” Oh, you shouldn’t have to!” “Where are the bagels? I know there were half a dozen here this morning!”  “He can just go fly a kite! I am not his little servant girl!” “They want me to fill in AGAIN for Dotty on Friday!” ” Is this coffee fresh?”

Now here’s the part of the blog where I’m supposed to stop and say that I have a tremendous respect for nurses, which I do. I am supposed to say that they soothed my brow and made  me feel cared for and that theirs is a difficult job and so on and so forth.  Well, today I was not impressed. This rant is about me and my experience today so if you are a nurse, or you’re married to a nurse or you have a relative who is a nurse, please don’t go all  ballistic and start the flames, OK?

Finally one of the less hunched of the quintet made her way to my cubicle and began to ask me AGAIN “Are you allergic to anything? Do you have diabetes? Did you eat anything this morning?” She told me about the storm she witnessed last night as if I don’t live in the area and I didn’t experience the same thunderstorm. She rattled on about how she has a chain saw but her nephew says she shouldn’t use it because it’s too dangerous but will he bring his sorry ass over to clean up the branches that fell last night..oh no he won’t! All the while she is poking me with an IV needle. Holy Mother of God! She is jabbing that thing like she’s sewing up a Christmas turkey’s ass! “Sorry. I bruised the vein a little there…wait…oh, good, I think it’s in…oops, nope! Ahh……there we go.”

 I watched the male anesthesiologist roll his eyes while waiting his turn to talk to me. He whispered in my ear after she had gone “I’m sorry about that.”

I didn’t feel great about being a woman in that room of women right then. Hell, I didn’t feel great….period.

When I woke up after the procedure one of the hens…I mean nurses, came over to see if I was alive. I assured her that I was and I said “There’s something wet down here by my butt” and she laughed and said “Don’t worry about it. Everybody says that!” When she left I used my IV hand to reach down to my hip and I felt something on the mattress. Grasping it as well as I could I pulled it out and it was a plastic cup!  I must have made a noise because the nurse came back and said “OH!  That’s an irrigation cup! It spilled all over your bed!”  NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!!! story

 Let me tell you, I was never so glad for the doctor to pronounce me fit to go home about ten minutes later. Two polyps removed  and the doctor’s pronouncement that they didn’t appear to be cancerous (but they will be biopsied to make sure) and I was outa there! Two years of freedom from the fear of death- by- colon -cancer for me and a few thousand buckaroos for the doctor! It’s a win/win!

26 comments on “verily i vociferate

  1. Yuck-a-do. Makes me want to run out and get a colonoscopy. NOT. So glad the doc thinks everything looks okay, though!

    Nurses, smurses. The day after I gave birth via c-section the nurse on duty came into my room, laid across my belly to check my IV, all the while breathing her nasty cigarette breath on me and then realized, “OH, you just had a c-section, so sorry.” Um. DUH!

    2LD- NO!! What a bitch stupid cow! I HAVE had some great, caring nurses in the past but the ones I saw today were NOT they!
    Thanks for the nice words, hon! Looks like I’m good to go till 2011! That gives me two years to hope they come up with something a bit easier for prep!!

  2. ok if you don’t want us to even snicker you can NOT write a story like this. I was laughing everytime I read *coughBullshitcough* Oh my gosh that was friggin hilarious!

    I guess I’ll be looking forward to one of these fun *coughBULLSHITcough* procedures within the next 2 years!

    you are so friggin funny even when put up against something like that! Can you come hold my hand and bitch slap stupid dumbass nurses with the other hand when it’s my time?

    JJ- Snicker away, Love. It only hurts when you laugh (actually you have to be VERY careful laughing or coughing on “prep day”!!! LOL
    I would be honored to hold your hand if you ever have one of these “procedures” (as they insist on calling it.)
    I’m happy to have given you a giggle!!

  3. Gebus, that was a pain in the ass. 😉

    Sorry, I had to do it.

    I had to put a catheter in some guy the other day. He says to me, “What are you going to do with THAT?”

    The little bitch that I am says, “Revenge, honey”

    Never trust the medical profession. *sniggers*

    Anja- What I would give to go on rounds with you for one week!! You are so frackin’ funny!

  4. I really HATE to laugh at someone (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) that has to have foreign objects shoved up their ass while others watch but that story was FREAKING FUNNY!

    So since the story was written to be funny (and oh it was) I’m not really laughing AT you but WITH you!

    All kidding aside, I’m glad it went well and nothing serious was found. I’m sure your glad it’s done and over with and you can eat and stop fretting about having it done. Who knows, maybe you can laugh WITH ME about my “procedure” one of these days??? 😉

    Gary- Oh, Baby,I’ll be there to help you laugh all the way through it!! These blogs have a way of taking the sting out of things by letting us step back abd find the humor. Hell, laughter really IS the best medicine!
    I’m glad you liked it

  5. Too funny! However, doesn’t make me wanna have the procedure! I have been putting it off but, I will have to face it (no — guess I won’t be facing it! HA!) sooner than later! UGH!

    lifeunderacarolinamoon- 😀 Awww. it’s not so bad. (And your “face” has very little to do with it! LOL)
    Shweet!!! Made ya laugh!! Thanks for stopping by!!

  6. I’m trying to come up w/something witty here, but I figure that if the shoe were on the other foot, and I was blogging about my first mandatory “complete” physical, the last thing I’d want were a bunch of snarky comments about my ass.

    On a lighter note…MLI had to get laughing gas at the dentist yesterday so they could take x-rays of his mouth w/out him gagging…

    Alls I know is that it must have been good stuff cuz he hasn’t stopped walking around with that grape-scented rubber gas nozzle and a big ol’ smile plastered across his face (they let him take the gas mask home and he has to bring it back next time too).

    Dobeman- AWW!! Little MLI takes after his Daddy and his Nana! He likes his intoxicants …a lot!!! ROFL ! (I didn’t know they had grape-scented gas masks!!! )
    Thanks for being kind to the old lady, son! I appreciate the no-snarky-ness policy even if it’s only temporary. Next post of mine… feel free!

  7. Even if the nurses around you didn’t show off from there best side as they should 😉 I am glad to hear it went well and that they said it look good ( I am sure they even thought your *ss looked good too *smile*) meaning that what they removed was not of any suspicious kind 😉


    Jeanette- Thanks, sweety!! Oh, and by the way, my ass isn’t half bad “for a woman of my age”! HHAAAAA!

  8. Oh Trisha, what a “tail” you’ve told..cough*BULLSHIT*cough!!!! You are indeed a master storyteller.

    Outside of your humor, which makes this really sound hilarious but cough*BULLSHIT*cough….this appalls me on many different levels. Because first of all, you weren’t filling your god damned car up at SuperAmerica and you weren’t buying an ice cream cone at the Dairy Queen!! You were getting some foreign object shoved up your ass after NO food, NO coffee and NOW, NO support??? These women are in the damned medical profession and we don’t need to know their husband is an “ass” hole while we’re terrified. I’m not sure I would have been able to show restraint. I would have at the time but afterwards!!!!!! Shit would fly.

    This really ticks me off for you. To be afraid and not to even have anyone say good morning to you? That’s awful. That NOT one of that gaggle of cough*BULLSHIT*cough…”nurses” did anything to calm you or talk to you and make you feel better! I can’t even begin to say here what I think of this.

    You know what I’d do if I were you? I’d print out this post and mail it to the administration at the clinic you went to. It may not do any good but these nurses should really be called on the carpet for this kind of behavior! Had that been me, I would have probably cried because it would take every cell in my body not to go running out the door. I would be so scared and this is a poor, poor work ethic. I realize that our place of employment and among our co-workers, we need to talk and chat but this was NOT the time.

    Joy- OMG! You wanna be my sister or my surrogate mommy or something like that? I LOVE YOU! I love that you got indignant and upset on my behalf!! You are awesome, woman!!!
    Funny thing is, I wasn’t scared till a few days before the “procedure” when I made the mistake of going to YouTube and searching “colonoscopy”. I found lots of humor (all good!) but I also found this professional looking man in a two-part video proclaiming that colonoscopies are a scam the Medical Society promotes in order to make money. He talked about perforated colons and death from anesthesia and a bunch of other really scary stuff!! It makes ya think, ya know, even when you know better!
    My parents both died from intestinal cancers and I have already gone through one colonoscopy with polyps removed so I had to do this! You’re absolutely right!
    Those nurses should be ashamed and not only that they should be held accountable! I may take your advice and print this out for my doctors. I wonder if it will make a difference. At least I will have tried.
    Thank you, Joy. You are one in a million!

  9. Trisha, even if it doesn’t do any good, it will make you feel better maybe. That and it could help someone who maybe is scared and maybe having high anxiety. This type of thing should be shown to the “powers that be.” It’s just not right in the profession they’ve chosen. It’s not like they just filled out an application at Walmart. They studied this and went to school. They should have a bedside manner. I say go for it even it it saves someone like me because I would have felt very afraid had I been ignored in this type of situation.

    Joy- You are SO right!! I am definitely going to follow through on this. I probably wouldn’t have seen this in exactly the same way if you hadn’t shown me your perspective.
    Please don’t let something like this stop you EVER from being pro-active on your health!
    Thank you SO much for your wise and thoughtful comments. Joy!!

  10. I went for my semi-annual look with the doc this week. The nurse asked me had I had my colonoscopy done they wrote up paperwork for me last visit. I said “no”. My wife has them done religiously since her family has a “history”. After the procedure they always tell me to come back and see her, but I couldn’t stay because she “has to release the gas”. I take it farting is an after effect. At least you get some solace out of it. It’s better to know you’re okay.

    james- HAHA! Funny you should mention farting! As I lay there waiting to be released to go home I heard LOUD farting on both sides of me as the people in the adjoining cubicles let ‘er rip!! Me, not so much. I AM a lady! I waited till I got outside!! heeheheheheeee!!!

  11. Are you sure they were nurses and not CNA’s or something? Nothing against CNA’s, but I could tell you some stories about the women who work with Josh who have their CNA certificates. Of course, they are not employed as CNA’s maybe for a reason though. Anyway, glad your ass is clean and cancer-free, although I’m sorry about the shit you had to deal with. (Ha ha, get it? The shit you had to deal with?)

    Birdpress- I didn’t see their credentials. I can only assume. HA! You know what they say about “assuming”, right?
    “The shit you had to deal with” HA!!! Ass me if I care! Butt don’t make cracks about such a sensitive subject!

  12. It’s good to hear that everything came out good in the end.

    Sorry about that. I saw that no one had used that line and had to do it.

    Evyl- Of course, dear. I understand.

  13. Ha, Evyl.

    I too had an incident with the bum a few months ago. Not good times, but it’s good to see you are safe and good to go.

    Bronsonfive-Thanks, darlin’! This post screams for puns, doesn’t it? Did you illustrate the story of your bad bum? It would make a great story! I mean. I saw your “willy” images and they were great!!! 😆

  14. I’ve been meaning to insist on one since my mum died from bowel cancer, but the prep days don’t sound at all comfortable. So far I’m symptom free, but I probably should get a colonoscopy.

    River- It’s not pleasant but honestly, won’t you feel better knowing you took preventive action? I HATE the ordeal but dying is not a pretty option.
    Especially with your family history!
    Do it for me?????

  15. Yikes! What an ordeal. It’s not a comfortable thing to have to do anyway, you would think that you could have been treated a little more humanely and made comfortable. Thank goodness it is over. I’ll keep you in my thoughts that you get good news on the results.

    teeni- The doctors there were wonderful, very gentle, soft spoken, and caring. That kinda makes up for the idiot nursies!!!
    Thanks for your concern, sweety!

  16. Ha!

    It is better than a colon resection and wearing a plastic poop bag on your stomach for the short rest of your life.

    Although, yeah. Having woken up twice during mine — they suck.

    Gadfly- That does put it perspective, doesn’t it? Yep! You’re so right!
    But OMG, really? You woke up during the procedure?? Yikes!!!

  17. ugh.

    I hope to never know that *cough* pleasure *cough*

    Mistress B. – wait a few years… life throws you all kinda “crap” you’d rather not deal with!!!!

  18. OMG you have way more control then I do. I would have said something to them. All I can say is thank god my dad is a nurse at the local hospital becuz then me and Tooters avoid that treatment.

    I do have to say that after my dad had a bad experience with nures in the next town over it made him better at his job. He had his prostate removed that was full of cancer. He now says that he also has way more respect for the female bladder since he now gets the sudden NOW urge like we do lol.

    Hope everything else is good. Tell D’Bear you need lots of chocolate and ice cream and pampering to make you feel better for I say at least a week.

    SunnyMom- Aww, you are so sweet!! I should call you SweetyMom!! I hope you didn’t take offense at my diatribe against those nurses. Like I said, I’ve had many many times when nurses were like saving graces to me. When I had some major surgery about fifteen years ago they were like angels. I wouldn’t have gotten through the ordeal nearly as well without the sweet ministerings of those caring people.
    Chocolate AND ice cream….. ahhhhhhh… I’m telling him you ordered it, DOCTOR Sunnymom!!

  19. LMAO you know being the daughter of a nurse has it advantages I have picked up a few things over the years. Take 2 chocolate bars and one large scoop of ice cream and call me in the morning. No offense taken there are rotten eggs out there that make the rest of them look bad when they do not deserve it. My dad actually had some of those rotten eggs when he was post op from his cancer surgery and I could have just killed them myself. So you have every right to vent. Go ahead I will lend an ear.

    Dr. Sweetymom MD

    Sunnymom- 😆 Ooooo- I like that prescription!!! 2 chocolate bars and a large scoop of ice cream!!! I am pretty sure that would cure what ails me!! Thanks, Doc!! I love ya!!!

  20. If any kid asks, you can tell them a little story about being abducted by aliens in white in order to explain it without scarring him for life when it comes to certain… doctors. That’ll ease his curiosity! 😀

    Virgilius Sade- AHA!!! I wonder how many “alien” jokes they have to hear in the field of gastroenterology. I bet they’ve heard the term “Alien Probe” more times than they care to remember!!

  21. Remember the flame-farting anal probe from South Park? I recall that every time I re-read this post. I wonder if it’s the same with vaccinations? (“Help, there’s aliens… in my bloodstream!”). The screams of hysteria when it comes to an impending threat is music to my ears.

    Virgilius Sade- Having never been a fan of South Park I am not really aware of the flame-farting anal probe …but it sounds ..interesting!! 👿
    If that last line is true, regarding screams of hysteria, then you must be in your glory these days with Swine Flu and GM plants shutting down. 🙂

  22. Pingback: drum roll please… ♥blogger♥ trophy time.. « ~javajunkee~

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