keep breathing

woman-and-crows

It seems that many of my friends and I are going through a period of , maybe not quite depression, but a deep feeling of sorrow.

I am not sure what’s going on but I suspect there are lots of reasons. Some of us are having trouble making ends meet.  Some of us are tired of feeling like we’re less than the most important thing in our partner’s life. Some of us want to grow, to learn, to see ourselves in a whole new light and don’t know how to make a change.  Some of us are in pain, real pain, physical pain. Some of us are suffering a loss. And some of us just got thrown a pile of shit.

I feel it, too. I shouldn’t. I’m in the best and healthiest relationship of my life. I feel loved for who I am finally.I have a man in my life whom I adore and who adores me and treats me with the utmost love and respect.  That should count for more than enough to mitigate any negative feelings I have. But it doesn’t.

Some days I wake up and think “oh, ..great.. another day. the same as yesterday…joy..”

Partly the factors I listed above have a part in this negative mood. I lost a shitload  last year in retirement money I had socked away. Every day seems to bring a new financial challenge: a leaky roof, a mechanical problem with the old car,  a new medical ailment, etc. 

 Partly it’s a feeling of frustration over my lack of direction and meaning in my life. For the first time in 55 years I have no  one to wake up for in the morning who needs me in a real sense. No one who wants me to make them a good hot breakfast or who needs me to do a job that only I can do that day. I don’t earn a paycheck anymore. That makes a big difference to me. I see the numbers on a paycheck and I feel like the hours of the past week meant something…or not, if the numbers are too low.

I eat too much , I drink too much, I want to sleep too much when I feel like this. I know it will pass.

That’s what having lived a hard life taught me; life has ever-changing waves of highs and lows. No one is immune.  It’s the way of LIFE. No one promised me a rose garden. I got one though.

If you’ve ever raised roses you know what I mean. Roses are beautiful, to be sure, but they are not easy to grow. They require lots of maintenance: pruning,watering,  feeding, deadheading, mulching, insecticides, and preparations to control mildews. They get eaten by deer, rabbits and other herbivores. They die if the temperatures drop too low. Sometimes they simply die for no known reason!

 But OH! When they bloom! The make your heart SING they are so beautiful! And then we accept compliments and congratulations for this miraculous thing of beauty when we know in our hearts that we are only the caretakers, not the Creator.

 So tomorrow I will see sunshine even through the rain. I know it’s there beyond the clouds.

This song by Ingrid Michaelson pretty well sums up my mood right now.

 

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15 comments on “keep breathing

  1. I think seriously the little buddy thing we have going around is keeping my mind from heading to the black hole and taking my soul and body with it. This group of blogging friends I have …you my friend are part of my “sanctuary”!

    I could easily slink down there. My marriage is on the rocks…no strike that..it’s on the boulders now. It’s been on the rocks for many years and has graduated. I’m at the point where I don’t want to put the effort into “fixing” it anymore. We live like roomates and not great ones at that.

    I am getting a long better with the kids although both have dropped bombs on me that are going to take a while to process. I’m just glad I have made it so they can talk to me. Cant’ say I like what I’m dealing with and sometimes the “great sadness” could take over just with those 2 items but I can’t let it.

    …ok now I’m rambling! I am sooooo glad to have met you and gotten to know you through here. The internet is a good place at times!

    Love you bunches

    double “j”

    Javajunkee- oh, baby,…. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there myself. I am really and truly sorry things have been so bad for you. You can’t let the sadness take you away from me! I value our friendship more than you know. Getting to know you and the Buddy group and a few other very, very special people here on wp has made me realize how blessed with friends I am.
    Just know, dear heart, that you can ALWAYS turn to me with your troubles. I have very wide shoulders and they’re soft for you to lay your head down on anytime you feel a need.
    Seems like this really is epidemic. All I can say is, baby, it WILL get better. Be the strong woman I know that you are.
    HUGE hugs from me to you.
    Trisha

  2. You are so right – it IS an epidemic. And here I thought I was the only one feeling this way. Although I hate to see any of my friends ‘down’, I’m glad you gals are here with me! I kept chalking this feeling up to the long, dreary winter…but even now that the sun is shining I’m not feeling better.

    I really can’t complain about my job because I do love my part time job and I love the fact that I’m self-employed…but, as a single mom, the paycheck just never seems enough and I get so bogged down with the worrying about how I’m going to come up with x amount for this and that. Then that frustration leads to another – the fact that I am the ONLY (yes ONLY) one of my close knit group of friends that is not married. I then get pissed and depressed that I have been in one shitty relationship to another. What the hell is wrong with me? My sister says I just pick the wrong men. Ha. How the heck can you pick ALL the wrong men? Sheesh.

    All this crapolla in my brain leads to eating and drinking too much…so now, I’m fat, depressed and just plain fed up! Grrrrrr.

    I have some really great friends and that is always what helps me get through. I’m so glad you are here and we can go through this together. Plus, what better way to get all this off our chests than by writing all our woes out!

    Love you, mucho, mucho!
    xoxo

    2LD- I so hear ya! All my old friends are still married to the same man for like 100 years and what do I do but upset the balance by going and getting divorced? They didn’t know what to do with me so I kinda lost touch with most of them. When I needed moral (and sometimes physical support) they were’t really there because they didn’t know how to be. I don’t blame them.
    You didn’t PICK the wrong men. You had the misfortune of getting involved with some bad apples maybe but blaming yourself is just wrong. You didn’t do it wrong, baby.
    Thanks enormously for this thoughful and heartfelt comment. It really does help to know that others are feeling it too.
    I love you TTTTHHHHHIIIIISSSSSSSSSS much!

  3. I went through it too but I have finally come out of it. I did and still do take anti-depressants but I had to because I was too far gone.I also went to therapy for almost two years. I can only thank my daughter for giving me a good reason to get up every day. Taking care of my family means everything to me. My son is drug free and actually working.
    My point, things do change and can get better. I had to work at it but it happened. I still have a bad day here and there but I know a bad day won’t last for ever.
    You have a positive attitude and it sounds like you will get through it too. I know though, that sometimes even getting through it can be difficult. I hope you see the sun tomorrow.

    Joan- Thank you! You are such a doll! It sounds like you’ve gotten a good outlook on things. I normally do, but once in a while I have a little “spell” and things just don’t have the same taste/sound/feeling they should, you know? I do believe, as you know, that the sun will shine tomorrow. It’s what gets me through the night. That and my wonderful friends. You help me every time you join me here, my friend. Thank you so much.
    ps- how are YOU feeling since the surgery???

  4. Well, you know how I’ve been feeling lately…but…

    I planted three rose bushes this past week. Two “Happy Chappy’s” on the side of my porch and a “Cinco de Mayo” at the top of my drive.

    Bring on the mildew and beetles!

    Also, if you want to feel needed, come down here. Trust me, we’ll put you to work doing ALL kinds of things that “Need” doin’!

    Dobeman- Why thank you, darlin’, for that kind and generous offer!
    Do you have deer there? If so, kiss those rosebushes “good bye”! I finally gave up on my David Austin English roses (expensive but worth it) because the last one had almost 200 buds on it and one morning I can out to find them ALL GONE! Little deer tracks all around kinda gave away the culprits! Bastids!!! I hope the hunters all get their game!!!
    👿

  5. That picture is, I must say, one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.

    Hmm, this pain that seems to be enveloping people’s lives… it’s most definitely an epidemic. I find myself sinking into an abyss of self-loathing on occasions (yes, I can be a very self-indulgent slob) and there’s no concrete reason for it. I’m fortunate enough to be in secure employment, I’m young and relatively healthy, I shouldn’t feel lower than a lizard’s donger, but some days I do.

    Emotional pain, I see it all around me… people are hurting and hurting badly.

    This economic crisis is kicking people in the ass, well and truly. People who have worked their butts off for years and think they have a tidy little nest egg to keep them going through their later years is now not worth the paper its written on. I’ve spoken to a lot of retirees with depression related illnesses and their story is the same. You work, you struggle, you put a little bit away and for what?

    What is a big positive, in my opinion, people are willing to talk about it; write about it; get their feelings out there. Putting on peril sensitive sunglasses and hoping it will go away is not the way to lift yourself out of a slump.
    Another brilliant piece of writing from you, m’dear. Thank you for putting so much thought into what you write.

    Anja- Thank you for such a sensitive comment. You make this old gal feel better, ya know!
    That picture is one of two by the same artist. I have used the other one for my avatar for a long time and just found this one. I can’t find the artist’s name however. If you are a better e-sleuth than I perhaps you can let me knwo f you find the person I can attribute it to. I love it!
    You are so right. Pretending that times aren’t difficult and that we aren’t facing major issues is not the answer. Letting others hear that they’re not alone is one way to help them and ourselves, too.
    You are such a beautiful soul. I can tell you are beautiful in every way. I envy you your youth, however. Some days I just love my corporeal body too much! I am told I should embrace my age and mortality but I have a hard time with this aging thing.
    That’s part of my issue right now, I think, dealing with that reality.
    Thanks for being here for me, Anja! I love you!

  6. Do you read minds? The above written is such a lonely feeling. All I can say is that I’ve felt so alone and like I’ve been going through the motions and the other part of my brain says, “NO! You have to LIVE. Life is too short!” but the other side wins out most of the time. My huz has more black & white thinking and does ok, he deals with things better so maybe that’s where the lonely feeling comes in at home. If someone doesn’t understand how/why you are feeling it *can be* hard for them to sometimes give comfort. Their comfort is, “It’ll be ok, things have a way of working out”. And, I’m not knocking my man, it’s the way he is and that’s fine. He’s my best friend and perfect in his own way to me. I just adore him.

    I’ve never felt hopeless before… and yet, that’s how I’ve been feeling. Never ever had a difficulty turning it over to God and praying, and yet- even that has failed me as of late.

    I don’t know what’s going on, or how to handle this quiet killer- killer of my spirit and soul..
    Like Lisa wrote above… I think I am in a better frame of mind because of this little click of blog friends that I have come to love love love. I take such solace in your presence. I am soooo glad every day I’ve met you women (*and you know who you are).

    I too have a lot going for me. More so than not. The thing that hovers above me like a 200 lb. weight on my shoulder is living check to check and the feeling of never getting ahead, ever. I feel completely defeated in that area to know that we are both working the maximum we can, full time and still feel like we are just barely a-float. Then that other side of my brain yells at me and says, “You are lucky to even have a job!” which is also true.

    There is too much going on in this world that I think it is sensory overload. I say I am going to turn a blind eye and just take care of what’s right in front of me but it’s hard to not see all the pain around me and it makes me sad (*and scared). I don’t know what I’m even trying to say. I understand how you feel and I’m here for you whenever you need to talk! I love you a lot and care about you- I guess the only thing to do is to just breathe. The song is beautiful too btw! Did you paint the picture?

    JavaQueen- You are a Queen in my book. You know that don’t you? Your friendship has made a major impact on my sanity on some of those “dark nights of the soul.”
    The “blues” is no respecter of age, financial capabilities, employment, relationships, etc. It happens to us all from time to time. (except for those bland, boring types who don’t deserve us!)
    I know, as do you , that we have so much to be grateful for and yet sometimes life is simply overwhelming! Like you said “it is sensory overload.” Maybe we need to give ourselves a breather from life but how? We can’t just drop out! Can we? 😛
    I’m glad you liked that song. Ingrid Michaelson is one of my favorites. And no, I didn’t paint that picture. I wish I did!! I love it, too!! (see my comment to Anja. I don’t know who the artist is!)
    {{{HUGE HUGS}}} I adore you!!!

  7. This year has been really hard so far for so very many people, ourselves included, extra challenges that people weren’t expecting, family problems to deal with, financial pressures and the overall atmosphere of stress and fear created by the global financial crisis…….. .

    I don’t think I’d be coping if it wasn’t for my coven sisters and bloggy friends like you.

    hugs. I hope we all feel more on top again soon.

    Mistress B.- I understand why Anja and the others bow to your mistressness! You have such a good way of connecting with others here and on your website.
    Supporting each other in any way we can is all we can do. For example I happen to know you are dealing with a big move and yet you still find the time to come over here and give solace and comfort to me. Thank you.
    You really are a “bloggy friend”.
    Love and hugs,
    Trisha

  8. mister and i JUST planted four rose bushes the other day. our first roses. hopefully they’ll do okay.
    anyhow. thank you for this post. it hit home. it hit many homes, im sure . . i think it’s so many different things all tied up in one great big clusterfuck . . . . and to keep your head up is hard. really hard. but reading posts like this, knowing that there are others . . and that our friends are there, it eases the pain. and so i thank you.

    Red- Really, Red, I should thank YOU! Your honest and raw blogs inspire me to be a great deal more “out there” than I would otherwise have been.
    Sometimes (many times!) I’ve read your posts and thought “OMG, she said what I wish I’d been able to say!” I worry sometimes about being too… oh, I don’t know,… vulnerable? Blunt? I get uncomfortable from time to time thinking that I am “sharing” too much information but you make me realize that that’s what this is really all about!
    Oh, good luck with the rosebushes. When they bloom please share a photo!!
    XOXOXOX’s to you my friend!!

  9. I think it’s safe to assume that we are all feeling a little this way. I’ve been wearing a mask for the last 5 years or so and I’m really hoping that I can take it off soon. I’ve felt much better since I started blogging and met all of you. You’re the best group I’ve met so far and I hope we can stay “friends.” I’ve really needed this. One day I’ll write about it all but for right now, I just can’t. My blog is to “family-ish” and there would be hurts that right now, I can’t deal with so the mask is easier. Just take stock that I know how you feel and I feel that way myself a lot of the time.

    I do think the little buddies have really helped. I look forward to them and I feel it’s brought us all a little closer and given us something to really look forward to. How else do you explain these grown up crazy women living our lives through a stuffed animal???

    *hugs to you all*

    Joy- (The irony of your name is not lost!) Yes, the Buddies have helped. It brought together women with a common sense of humor and childlike wonder. It made us think about something besides ourselves and our problems if only for a little while. And it made me find that friends come in all kinds of shapes, and sizes, and forms!
    This really is a wonderful group, isn’t it? It makes me proud to be a part of it that comments like yours and the rest here. Such thoughtful, insightful words from such a beautiful bunch of people. I am (Trisha) Truly blessed!

  10. i love the image you posted with this entry. It communicates that feeling of, i don’t know… The black wings, i guess. i feel like them. Soaring to depths on black wings.

    For me though, i believe anyway, currently at least, it’s mostly weather. Not enough sunshine. Does blue sky even exist in Oregon anymore!? And other things like why can’t i do what i want? Why do i hold back so much? And anger.

    But i swear, i think i swear, that if the sun comes out for more than twenty minutes a day, these feelings will go back to their corners and i will be able to function and not have to fake the pleasantries.

    i think the fact that you know the roses are coming shows you to be a healthy person, with a basically positive outlook, but who is currently introspective and sad.

    i also wonder how much my job has to do with these feelings. i love it, but it is sad to me as well. i know this sounds awful, but it’s good to know i am not alone in this, although i’d prefer to be alone in this.

    c.- Thank you, christine. You’ve done with words what the artist who painted that beautiful painting did with her medium.
    You may be right about the lack of sunshine. It’s not called S.A.D. for nothing. Warmth and sunshine will push my butt outside. I’ll get exercise. I’ll see that sun shining and I’ll get involved in some outdoor activity that will take my mind off my own insignificant problems. I’ll feel better.
    I could never do your job. I would end up crying all the time! It takes a special person to do what you do. Thank God for those of you strong enough to do it!!
    We’ll get through it together. We’ll bring it to the group. We’ll survive and we’ll support one another through whatever we have to face. Thank you, dear soul, for your beautiful words.

  11. It’s a universal thing I think, the feeling that life is getting the better of our hearts and minds.
    There are a couple of relevant points that strike me in this post.
    The first is how many people feel the same way but say little until someone starts the ball rolling as you have here. I’s almost like they’re not game for fear people class them as self indulgent or whiny. Then when they do finally express how they feel, many admit to the same thing.
    The other thing is that, these days, people share these things with their blog buddies, and that’s the thing that totally blows me out of the water. The friendships and connection made through this medium are remarkable. Logistics and geography mean nothing. When we hurt and need to vent, the first place we head is our blog, because like minded people gather there. If we say it out loud in the “real” world, people tend to look upon us as some sort of nutters {which of course we are!!! LMAO!!}
    There is much food for thought in this post as is evidenced by the length and depth of the comments.
    As with all that ails us, it shall pass…we KNOW it will, but it’s traversing the whole fucking thing before it passes that creates the shit fight isn’t it?
    You know honey, if it all gets too much, you can always wander over to tropical Nth Qld and let the sun heal and soothe your battered senses. We have a couple of spare rooms with big beds and sunshine to wash over your body as you lay on the beach and cop some eye candy {plus I keep really good booze in the house…bonus!}
    I like the roses analogy, but like all beautiful things we have, there is a down side. With roses it’s nasty little thorns…not unlike life in general should we take it’s beauty for granted.
    {{{hugs}}} for you if for nothing other than to let you know it is worth the effort of hanging on until the sun shines through the fog….
    Ok, stopping now before I need to go and post this at my place….
    🙄

    Moe- You are SO right! There must have been some reason why this post struck such a chord with so many of us. It’s a rough time!
    It WILL pass. For some of us it may take a lttle longer but I still believe it will pass. Talking (or writing on our blogs) about it helps. Just the act of sharing is a therapy for me. These comments are therapeutic for me! If it helps other to realize they are not alone, NEVER alone, then YAY!! Someone keep the thread going, for heaven’s sake!
    You are so sweet. Thank you, my friend, for being here for me and for every one who commented feeling the same way. You are all my heroes.

  12. Such a post, Trisha! You take my breath away! Thanks for the reminder of “Keep Breathing”…. because sometimes I forget about doing that.

    I’m just so amazed (and thankful) to have found your corner among this huge blogosphere and to go along with that also your other bloggingfriends. Someone somewhere, must have helped me somehow, I guess that’s a part of the mystery of what life have in store for us . I found comfort & strenght in your writing, also gives me a reason to do that thing with my mouth, called smiling 😉 and
    as you say: “I will see sunshine even through the rain. I know it’s there beyond the clouds.”
    Somedays it is easier other days a bit harder.

    Jeanette- Ahhh. my beautiful Swedish friend!! You are so kind! I am grateful to whomever or whatever it was that brought this wonderful group of people together also. Your voice among us is a blessing! You write with genuine feelings about things we all can relate to and that’s the point , isn’t it?
    I believe it’s hard to be a woman today (and probably a man, but since I’m not one, I can’t say) so finding other voices and other’s words to remind us that we’re OK, well, that’s truly a wonderful thing.
    Thank you, Jeanette, for bringing your unique and generous spirit to these pages.
    {{hugs}}
    Trisha

  13. That is a beautiful picture. As far as feeling down, I try to see the humor and joy in life. Just walking into a Wal-Mart and people watching does that for me.

    Evyl- Glad you liked the picture. Maybe I need a trip to WalMart. 😀

  14. I am right there with you. The last 6 months have sucked big time. IRS froze my accounts, broke up with my boyfriend, endless repairs, I cannot seem to make any ends meet and now I am facing court soon with my ex-husband.

    It just seems like every time I take a few steps forward I am knocked right back down on my butt. I have not had an easy life but it is my life and I think I want to keep it for now. I mean there is good in there too it just tends to hide behind the bad stuff which always seems so much bigger.

    I think everyday how can I go on and how am I going to make it thru all of this shit. Then I sit down take a few breaths, hug Tooters till she giggles, or I just load her and the dog into the car and go hiking/bike riding/camping/fishing etc etc. This is always a great escape for me because i get out in the sunshine with my little family and can leave my troubles in town for a little while.

    The last month has been especially hard since I have joined the sober people and gave up drinking and hiding at the bottom of the bottle. But I do have to say that having online blogger buddies like I have found and a clarity I have not had in years seems to help.

    So Trish hang in there and I always have an ear for a friend to vent or just chat with. We are strong women and always manage to get through everything that is thrown at us, just let some of the rest of us help you and the weight on your shoulders will not be so heavy.

    Sunnymom- This is why I blog.
    You help make me realize that we are not alone. I kind of got that you have been going through some pretty heavy crap lately and I know that as a single mom you have a heavy burden on your shoulders and yet you mostly keep your chin up and slog on, as moms do.
    I know things will get better for me. Experience has taught me that. It’s only occasionally I acknowledge that my smiling face may hide some deeper, darker, sadder feelings.
    My worst personal fault is in never asking for help. It’s a huge issue for me. I feel like asking for any kind of help makes me weak. *shrug*
    I know, but that’s how I am.
    Yes, we ARE strong. We have to be. We should be!
    Congrats on your sobriety! You are to be commended for taking that giant step and for trying to make sure that Tooter has a healthy, happy mom.
    Thank you, my friend, for all your kind words. They, and you, matter!
    XOXOXO,
    Trisha

  15. This is a well-written post, it really gets the feelings across. I like how you talk about the roses – great analogy! It may feel like there is nobody to wake up for to take care of but hell, maybe it is time for you to wake up everyday and take good care of YOU! You deserve it! Now is your time. 🙂

    teeni- Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment.
    I wish I was in a place mentally where I could stand up and say that-“HEY! Everybody!!! Look here!! Trisha needs ome taking care of over here!! Get your ass in gear and let’s do it, all right???”
    Hahaha…. maybe one day, teeni, one day.

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