It seems that many of my friends and I are going through a period of , maybe not quite depression, but a deep feeling of sorrow.
I am not sure what’s going on but I suspect there are lots of reasons. Some of us are having trouble making ends meet. Some of us are tired of feeling like we’re less than the most important thing in our partner’s life. Some of us want to grow, to learn, to see ourselves in a whole new light and don’t know how to make a change. Some of us are in pain, real pain, physical pain. Some of us are suffering a loss. And some of us just got thrown a pile of shit.
I feel it, too. I shouldn’t. I’m in the best and healthiest relationship of my life. I feel loved for who I am finally.I have a man in my life whom I adore and who adores me and treats me with the utmost love and respect. That should count for more than enough to mitigate any negative feelings I have. But it doesn’t.
Some days I wake up and think “oh, ..great.. another day. the same as yesterday…joy..”
Partly the factors I listed above have a part in this negative mood. I lost a shitload last year in retirement money I had socked away. Every day seems to bring a new financial challenge: a leaky roof, a mechanical problem with the old car, a new medical ailment, etc.
Partly it’s a feeling of frustration over my lack of direction and meaning in my life. For the first time in 55 years I have no one to wake up for in the morning who needs me in a real sense. No one who wants me to make them a good hot breakfast or who needs me to do a job that only I can do that day. I don’t earn a paycheck anymore. That makes a big difference to me. I see the numbers on a paycheck and I feel like the hours of the past week meant something…or not, if the numbers are too low.
I eat too much , I drink too much, I want to sleep too much when I feel like this. I know it will pass.
That’s what having lived a hard life taught me; life has ever-changing waves of highs and lows. No one is immune. It’s the way of LIFE. No one promised me a rose garden. I got one though.
If you’ve ever raised roses you know what I mean. Roses are beautiful, to be sure, but they are not easy to grow. They require lots of maintenance: pruning,watering, feeding, deadheading, mulching, insecticides, and preparations to control mildews. They get eaten by deer, rabbits and other herbivores. They die if the temperatures drop too low. Sometimes they simply die for no known reason!
But OH! When they bloom! The make your heart SING they are so beautiful! And then we accept compliments and congratulations for this miraculous thing of beauty when we know in our hearts that we are only the caretakers, not the Creator.
So tomorrow I will see sunshine even through the rain. I know it’s there beyond the clouds.
This song by Ingrid Michaelson pretty well sums up my mood right now.