I got up as usual this morning, made coffee, took a good piss, brushed my teeth. I took my coffee upstairs to my computer, as usual, and IM-ed my sweet bear D. We poke each other first on IM and then he calls me so we start off the morning hearing each other’s voice. It’s sweet.
I don’t know why but last night and this morning he is just , well, making me crazy.
I feel like he isn’t listening to anything I say. He can just chat away and I am attentive as hell, regardless of the subject matter. Often he goes off on a monologue about political issues of which I know very little and I ask questions and interject approving comments at appropriate times so as to remain in the mostly one-sided conversation. But if I make a lengthy comment I am met with a long silence. Then he changes the subject. What the heck is that all about?
Last night he kept me on the phone while he downloaded stuff, played with the feeds, randomly commented on things that popped up on his screen, as if I wasn’t sitting there on the phone in silence waiting for him to remember I was there.
This morning he directed me to a fetish link he knew I would like. When I went there I found a picture of a little girl and a bear that I knew he’d get a kick out of so I told him I was sending it to him in an email. He said “don’t send it to me. Just send me the link.”
Fuck it. I closed it down. He said “what? I’m waiting.” I told him to forget it. He said “so now you’re mad.” I said “no, I’m not mad.” and I wasn’t. I was a little hurt and annoyed but not mad. Maybe I should have been.
Later, he was making a remark about the Primary elections in Washington and I said something about I thought Obama took Washington. He said, sarcastically as hell ” there is a Republican Primary and then there is a Democratic Primary. I was referring to the Republican one.”
Well, fucking excuse me.
Now I am depressed. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. (We live three hours apart.) I am stuck here alone in this big house while the damned snow howls outside. The roads are covered in snow and I don’t feel like driving the 16-mile round trip to get into town to get my Sunday NY Times and groceries like I planned. I feel like crying.
Maybe I really am just depressed. My ex is giving me a hard time. Now D. is being weird. Somedays he’s UP and some days he’s down and I never know which it will be. I’ve portrayed myself to him as this paragon of strength and sane stability. Maybe I was wrong. I felt he needed me to be solid and stable, probably because I know how unstable his ex was. I didn’t think it was me playing a part. It’s who I like to believe I really am.
Today I don’t know.